Mental Health awareness week
This year’s Mental health awareness week focuses on Body image. I wanted to open up about my body image. I already feel quite exposed just thinking about writing this post, but here goes.
2012, a turning point.
In 2012 I weighed over 21 stone. I was happy, my weight would occasionally bother me, but on the whole I was content, I was a Mum, life was busy and full of love and I didn’t see that the way I looked was a priority.
With my best friends 30th birthday looming, I decided that I’d like to buy something nice to wear for the party she was throwing. It was May and the party was in November, it felt achievable. If I could just lose a stone and fit in to a size 24 rather than 26 I’d be happy.
1 month
A month in, I was delighted to see a one stone loss on the scales. I’d even started to exercise in the form of ‘The 30 day shred by Jillian Michaels’ I won’t lie, it was hard core and for someone of my size with no medical advice taken was probably a bloody stupid idea. I should be glad I didn’t have a heart attack. But I guess that shows my naivety, I just never saw that my size would be a risk to my health. Naïve? Completely delusional more like!
But the inches were falling away and I felt amazing!
6 Months
I walked in to my best friends 30th birthday a new woman, I was 5 stone lighter and wearing a size 16 dress I’d bought a month before, and that was already a little loose.
It felt incredible and I suddenly had this new found respect for my body but most importantly, for myself. It had been a long time since I had stepped out of my comfort zone and really pushed myself to achieve something that seemed so unattainable, and frankly not necessary in my mind. As I had said previously, I didn’t have any feelings around my body shape or health issues, or drive to do anything about it.
12 Months
Exactly 12 months later, to the day. I weighed in at my slimming group and I could not be more excited to see that I had lost a total of 8 stone!
It was the most emotional and overwhelming feeling since having my son. I could not believe that I was the same Claire. My life felt completely different. I could barely remember the person I was before.
15 months
It was soon my turn to celebrate 30. I had set my target weight and was determined to reach this by my 30th in July.
And I smashed it, I worked my butt off (literally) to get the 2.5lbs I needed to become a target member on the day I was celebrating my 30th Birthday. The sense of achievement I felt is like no other, I’d done something, and it was huge. I’d found somewhere this drive and determination to do something so important for my health. And once I’d begun, I really felt that this would be life changing for my son as well. He had a Mum who would live a little longer and a lot healthier for him.
36 months
I was now coming up to a 10 stone loss. But the last 2 stone had been in sight and so far away over the last 21 months. I was finding it more and more difficult to shift. I was back in full time work now and the routine was good but time for exercise was severely lacking. I’d walk to work or cycle which certainly helped in the inch loss but the weight would fluctuate massively at times.
I tried adapting my diet, Calorie counting, meal replacement, No carbs, high fat, the list goes on.
Eventually I made it to the 10 stone mark. It lasted a matter of days though and I found my weight sat at a total loss of 9 stone 12 lbs now.
So why did I suddenly feel like a failure?
Why did I now feel horrified that I could not make that final 2 pounds disappear for good? 2lbs for goodness sake.
I hated the way I looked, that 2lbs could have been 10 stone for all the difference it made to my state of mind. And I was fed up of people telling me to remember how far I’d come and that a few pounds was nothing. I understood they meant well but it didn’t help at the time. I had forgotten that just 3 years ago, I was another person, a person I could not relate to at all now, a person I didn’t feel ever really existed.
But yet here I was hating everything about this new Claire. I was useless, I couldn’t even lose a few pounds. I could barely bring myself to look in the mirror as I knew I hated the way my body looked.
I’d never hated my body before, I’d never berated myself for the way I looked, I had certainly never cried over my body until now.
I never voiced any of this. People wouldn’t understand it. They only saw success, they didn’t see the naked truth.
As difficult as it was to remember the person I used to be, what I do remember is that I never had these feelings about myself. I never felt like a failure, I didn’t hate to look in the mirror, I didn’t have to put a dozen outfits on each day before work to find something that didn’t make me look fat.
How, as I got smaller, had my body issues grown in to something that was too big to shy away from?
And it was not long before the numbers began to creep up, I was now mobile so had very little reason to walk or cycle anywhere and life got busier for me as the world got easier to access.
Excuses. Full of excuses and now look at you! That’s what I’d tell myself. And on and on it went. I’d beat myself up, comfort myself with something a little naughty to eat and then feel worse. The number would rise.
84 months
It is now 7 years since I started dieting and 4 years since I really gave up loving myself and feeling proud of what I had worked so hard to achieve. It is so hard to admit that that is exactly what had happened. I’d forgotten how far I came and how to love myself.
It became this unbreakable cycle. I don’t like what I see in the mirror so I make the situation worse. Despite losing weight successfully before, I still have no idea what triggered in my brain to make me achieve that so I feel I don’t have the ability to re-create it.
Then there is a part of me that almost doesn’t want to do it because what if I hate myself even more, because I was happier before I was slimmer.
I am so blessed to have a man in my life who tells me all the wonderful things a woman wants to hear, and I know he is 100% sincere when he tells me this, but it does not change how I feel about myself. No matter how much I desperately wish it could.
Body image impact
For me now, it goes so much further than body image. The worse I feel about my body, the worse I feel in general. I find that I struggle to think of myself in a positive light at all. My reasonable head says, come on Claire, you’re a good person, and I try really hard to think of some good points but they are not there because all I can see is the negative reflection of myself. All I can think is ‘I’m a mess, I failed’
Dieting has become such a focus for me that I can’t do it. I spend too much time thinking about good food’s and bad food’s. And I know this is half the battle. If I could think of food as a fuel rather than what is good or bad, what tastes good and what I don’t like but should eat maybe I’d see a little clearer.
I am full of good intentions, I’ll begin to exercise each day but the voice in my head says ‘You can’t do it’ and I listen and begin to find excuses why I should not.
Hypocritically, I would be the first to say that we should all embrace who we are, warts and all. I fully support seeing a wider range of body types in the media and I will always try to raise up those around me, offer some positivity.
Thankfully but again hypocritically, I am wise enough to realise what we see in the media or on social media is not always accurate and things like that do not have a negative impact on me. Although I am aware that it can hugely impact on others and their Mental health. Again I would be the first to tell someone else that this is not a real representation of life.
So why can I not help myself? Why do I see myself as not worthy of the kind of love and positive energies I hope to give to other people? How do I ‘fix’ this?
I am very aware that my mental health has taken a battering this last year and I know that it plays a huge part in where I am currently, but I’ve also lived this poor body image for such a long time now, I can’t place all blame on that. Do I need to take charge now and move forward, regain control and stop with excuses? At least if I do this then I know I am doing all I can in my power to make it better.
I don’t want to hate the skin I am in, but I also don’t want to embrace the body I have now, but the body I know I can work hard to achieve.
I want to feel the pride I did in myself 7 years ago, I want to be able to learn to accept this body, flaws included.
Opening up
I knew talking about this would be tough. If I could post anonymously I would. But I know that my friends and family as well as all those that follow my blog are going to see this and I feel very vulnerable opening up so much. The thought of sharing this with Rob is painfully difficult and I always share my blogs with him before I inflict them on you.
But we need to make it OK to talk about how we really feel. And I know that if I want people to speak openly to me, then I need to be open in return.
Mental Health must stop being a taboo subject, it is so present in our lives each day and we can’t always see it in ourselves let alone those around us. I want to be able to support those who are struggling but I need to be able to address these issues.
Writing this post has been an exercise in honesty for me. As if writing down the thoughts I have been hiding from everyone including myself for so long makes them real and valid.
Maybe from here, now they are real and honest thoughts, I can finally begin to move forward positively. Begin to repair my relationship with food, with my body image and with my own mind.
I will hold on to how far I have come, no matter how hard that is for me right. This image shows where I started in 2012 and where I am now in 2019. I hate the new picture more than I can ever say, but putting it next to the before image certainly gives me some clarity on the situation.
I’d love to hear how you have dealt with these sorts of issues, or any advice you can offer me or anyone else in this situation.
This is a really fantastic post – thank you so much for sharing your story! It goes to show that weight doesn’t equal happiness and I think there’s a dangerous narrative in the media that being tiny thin means you will be happy, feel super confident and everything will be great
Thank you so much! You’re spot on, it is the expectation that thin = healthy, happy and beautiful
That is very much not the case!
This post touched the very core of Me. Yes I need to lose weight, but when I did I was obsessed. I didn’t eat out, enjoy treats and I was like a crazy mad woman, now I’m heavier and I just don’t obsess over it, I’m happier for sure
Thank you for reading, it really helps to know we are not alone. Although it makes me sad to think that so many of us feel like this x
Isn’t that the truth. Society states we are all happier being thinner, I disagree, my mental health took a nosedive being so one dimensional and focused on that goal. So I rather be chubby and happy x
Me too!! 🥰
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Everytime I visit your blog I find it’s unfollowed for some reason, so I press follow every day
I have the same with some other accounts, it’s really odd x x
At least you know now if I’m unfollowed it’s not through my choice xx
The ones that I have to follow each time, they still show up in my reader so I have no idea if it’s a genuine unfollow or just a blip. It’s weird though x x
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Very insightful post. Repairing our relationship with our own mind and learning to love ourselves is a challenge, but worth it. Mental health is definitely incredibly important. Glad to see you writing about it.
Thank you David, you’re right. It’s so very important we all open up about it x
Thank you so much my love, we really can be our own worst enemies, but being open about it, I feel a weight lifting from me x x
Very important to talk openly about body image. I admire your brave and honest writing.
Thank you so much x
You should be so proud that you have been able to open up and tell us all your story, I know it takes a lot to do it, I remember when I first shared my mental health issues on my blog and I was absolutely terrified, because I knew that people in real life that knew me would see it, and that was pretty scary. I’m so glad I did talk about it though, because it has helped me so much, and still to this day I open up a lot on my blog and it’s extremely therapeutic. <3
Chloe xx
Thank you so much. I do feel like a weight has been lifted (sadly not 3 stones worth!)
I’ve used my blog to talk about my grief which is hard but it’s something that my real life people were aware of, this felt very exposing but quite liberating x
I started this year off at over 370 pounds. I started really dieting on February 1st of this year. I was at 368.8 pounds on that day. I just got off the scale and I’m down to 306. 62 almost 63 pounds down. This is my belt. I’ve thought several times about buying a new one and even had a couple in the buggy. But this is how I judge where I’m at with my diet more so than the scale. This belt came with 6 holes in it and I was using the 5th hole. Now I’ve had to add 6 new holes to it and nearing needing to add a 7th. This is huge for me guys. I’m happy as I can be. I have 7 more pounds to loose before June 2nd. I will be under 300 pounds when I go on my business trip that week. Thanks for your continued prayers and words of encouragement. End goal is 250. Smaller than I have been since my 9th grade year of high school. I CAN AND WILL DO IT!!!
Amazing!! Well done to you. I love the visual aid of your belt, you’ll have to give it up eventually or you’ll be double wrapping it by summer 😊 well done again x
Such a very brave post… and you are so right: the more we talk about mental health issues, in every form, the better for everybody’s understanding.
Thank you so much 💕
this is just an amazing article.
Thank you so much x
Amazing post and thank you for sharing your story and your photos. I’ve had an awful relationship with my body, so I’m in no way qualified to offer any advice!
Jenny
http://www.jennyinneverland.com
We are all so hard on ourselves, it makes me so sad but it is (sadly) reassuring to know we are not alone x
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and being so honest. Isn’t it sad that a few negatives can outweigh all of the positives? I think that an happen in so many areas of life. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your struggles, as is evidenced by the many comments on this post.
It has honestly helped me so much just in a few days, maybe this is the start of something special 💕
Thank you for sharing this, I can’t imagine it being the easiest thing to share but it’s so important to let people who face struggles with body image know they are not alone. You look beautiful!
Thank you so much Katlyn 🥰
Thank you for your post. I am now struggling with this very issue. I look at my photos when I was really fit (working everyday, eating well, pre-pregnancy) and I just feel down, guilty and ashamed. I keep saying to myself that I’ll work out tomorrow and I’ve done it before so I should be able to do it again but I can’t seem to manage. No advice unfortunately but you’re not alone. Hugs!
Hugs back to you, we are so damn hard on ourselves.
Life is busy, too busy for us to make time to help ourselves x
That’s exactly what I think too. We just pack everything into our lives. And then wonder why we get overwhelmed. *sigh*
Such a great and beautiful post. Very uplifting
Thank you Sarah 😊
I think you are brave. As women it is so hard for us to talk about us, our bodies, and what is going on in our head. We are raised to put everyone before us and to not complain. If we do we are being a nag or if we are having an off day we are automatically labeled a “b$itch”. As women, we need to embrace and support each other and ask “how are you REALLY doing” and listen. When we are asked the question we need to be honest with our answers.
Thank you so much. We really do need to learn to open up more and really listen to those around us 💕
Such an honest and powerful post!!! You are right, we do need to make it more acceptable to talk about things like this and how we are truly feeling on the inside. I think that relationships with food and body image are something that most people, women especially, probably struggle with. I know I definitely do.
It’s not spoken about enough, the amount of feedback I’ve had saying the same. It’s so sad that so many of us feel this way, but it’s good that we can open up about it x thank you so much 💕
Thank you for sharing your story. I think when you are able to work on your mental health issues and just be happy (I’m not making light of it or saying it will be easy), you will find your healthy weight. Most of us wait for something to happen before we let ourselves be happy. But like you said, that didn’t work. So, just be happy now (again I’m not making light of mental health issues), and the weight will work itself out. When you let go of stress, resentment, anger, sadness, disappointment, etc., you can more easily let go of extra weight too. I think you look really happy and beautiful in your recent picture.
Thank you so much. 💕 i was at Disneyland, you can’t help but be. There are good and bad days sadly the wrong one out weighs most of the time.
What a great post! So strong of you to share your personal journey like this! It’s great that you talk about the mental part, because that is so important. But I would like to add on another aspect. Because as a nutritionist I see a lot of bad, and many times dangerous, advice when it comes to loosing weight and diets. These methods will make you loose weight quickly, but gain it all back in a period of time. I would suggest you seek a certified nutritionist in your city for a long term plan to your success. Wish you all the best and let me know if you have any questions.
Very honest and insightful post! I like that you said that you were not sure what you did previously and therefore you didn’t know how to recreate it. I think people are always trying to find the secret to weight loss. I’ve struggled with weight fluctuations over the years. And whenever I lose weight people ask what’s the secret. I recently told someone I don’t have a secret, it really just depends on my mindset. Meaning if I’m in a weight loss frame of mind, or not… at least, that’s been my experience.
It’s so true, it clicked that first time and just worked, I’ll find it again with a bit of luck and a lot of hard work x
Hi just saw a news report yesterday that diets fail because people are wired to get too in their own heads about it. Each set back makes the next diet harder. Taking healthy foods and exercising as a lifestyle and not a strict diet helps you win at your own head game.
That is so true, I need to step away from the word diet and just focus on fuelling and exercising x
I appreciate your willingness to open up and make yourself vulnerable.
I hope you find what you need to be happy with yourself again. I’ve been fat since my teens, and I absolutely hate the message that you can only be happy if you’re thin. The media and marketers certainly set up a toxic relationship between you and your body, no matter how you look. I regret that you didn’t find the happiness you were looking for.
I’ll tell you my favorite bit of wisdom that I learned throughout my 40’s. The best thing you can do for your mental health is to stop giving a f*** what anyone else thinks. No, it’s not easy, and isn’t done in a snap of the fingers. But the more you look at what makes you happy and start striving for that, instead of what others expect of you, the better things get.
And your husband sounds awesome (mine does the same). Let yourself start believing him.
We really should believe our partners as they love us, now if we could just love ourselves half as much as they do we’d be flying!
We are always led to believe that being skinny will make us happy but it just in true. I think there is too much pressure on the world to be thin.
So much pressure, and now that pressure comes just as much from us as those around us because we believe it to be true sadly x
Such an inspiring post. I love your honesty and definitely agree a lot of the pressure comes from within xx
Thank you so much. We are so programmed to to think a certain way that it’s inevitable that we start adding that pressure to ourselves x
What a wonderful, honest post. You really have been on an amazing journey/ Body image is so hard, we all worry. I think you look wonderful.
Thank you so so much 💕
Our mental health most certainly plays a huge part in the way we feel about ourselves and the way we look. I agree that you look fab, be proud!
Thank you so much Mandi x
Wow what an honest open and well written post. You are very right that being thin is not the key to happiness, only healthiness, and that only if done in the right way. There are 2 much advertising telling us what we should look like and I worry for my daughter
It’s scary, if we feel it so much what will it be like for them. Even my son talks about being skinny, there is nothing to him!
It’s so important to be able to recognise our mental health issues and what we can do about them. Well done for sharing your story.
Thank you Lyndsey x
oH MY goodness you look amazing ! i am atm in the process on working on myself as i dont feel ok in myself , i am cutting sweets and try to be more mindful as to what i am eating x kind regards Pati Robins
Thank you so much. I’ve got such a sweet tooth these days. I need to cut it out completely now I think x
Wow! You look incredible. This is such a powerful post and a great reminder that happiness doesn’t come from our clothes size. There’s so much pressure to look a certain way, be a certain weight. But that can’t be the be all and end all. xx
It really can’t. I am so guilty of putting too much pressure on myself. Thank you x x
You look great then and NOW! I have an autoimmune disease that makes exercising tough and with the meds the pounds kept adding up in the last 4+ years. I just started intermittent fasting these last couple months and it’s working slowly but surely. I have to remind myself that this is hopefully temporary and i need to focus on other parts of my health vs how I look in the mirror.
Hugs!
Joy at The Joyous Living
You look great then and NOW! I have an autoimmune disease that makes exercising tough and with the meds the pounds kept adding up in the last 4+ years. I just started intermittent fasting these last couple months and it’s working slowly but surely. I have to remind myself that this is hopefully temporary and i need to focus on other parts of my health vs how I look in the mirror.
Hugs!
Joy at The Joyous Living
Thank you so much Joy, that means a lot. I’ve been reading about intermittent fasting. How do you find it?
Yes, yes and yes. We need more articles like this. All about empowering women to love who they are and the ups and downs xx
Thank you so much x
I think you’re really brave to share this. So many of us feel this way, but it’s difficult to admit it out loud.
Thank you so much x x
Such a touching post. You’re so brave for writing about this and for putting yourself out there. It’s so hard to love the skin your in, but when we start to change if we end up doing sometimes irreversible damage to our bodies, hormones and especially our minds.
Thank you so much for sharing. x
Thank you! It was a tough one to write but hopefully it’s a turning point for me x
Thank you for opening it. So much is tired to looks. Before I turned thirty my choice was to get into a routine of exercise. To make it part of my life not an after thought but something I did. I decided I would not weight myself again (and I haven’t) as I would never like the number. I would exercise and be aware of what I was eating and work from there. I want to be healthy but not fixated on “what if”. I hope this makes sense. I think sharing your story is courageous and people will appreciate it.
That is amazing! I wish I could just never look at the scales again. I really want to stop weighing but it has become a compulsion!
It was an engaging read. Nicely done. It’s all about feeling confident and being fit and healthy.
Thank you so much x
WOW You look amazing. I have tried that 30 day shred DVD and you said it right when you said you are lucky you didnt have a heart attack. I thought I was going to because it definitely wasnt easy.
Aww thank you, I am a long way from where I want to be so I’m on day 4 now and its a killer still!
Such a great post. I was on the weight loss struggle for years and still fighting. Very inspiring post. Thanks!
Thank you so much x
Wow, gurl I felt like I was reading about my life. I am currently in a very similar situation, and it is so easy to make excuses. I am trying to figure out how to overcome and have more will power. I’m so happy you were able to share, congrats on the expressing yourself! I know we can do it and feel good inside and out again!
Society pushes that skinnier is better, and that there is no such thing as ‘good enough’. Even if we set a weightloss goal for ourselves, it’s never enough… Instead, we need to focus on learning to love ourselves without allowing the scale to determine our worth.
It’s a hard but very valuable lesson to learn x
This is such an engaging and honest post. Very inspirational
Thank you so much Antonia x
[…] For more things I’d like to change you can see one of my older posts What if you can’t love the skin you’re in? […]
I’m sorry you feel this way about your body, but thank you for being so honest. My hate for my body slirating intonan eating disorder (that I’m mostly recovered from now), but I think a big problem comes from diet culture because diets are never really a long-term thing so now I think in terms of an overall lifestyle which is moderately active, pretty healthy but never deprived.
Ash | thisdreamsalive.wordpress.com
Thank you so much for sharing. I have definitely struggled with this. I actually am currently. We got this!
We’ve totally got this!
This is an incredible post Claire – you have been on something of a crazy journey and your story is truly inspiring and super relatable. It can be hard to love the skin we are in, but we always need to be careful when we set about trying to make changes, because sometimes we do more harm than good!
We really can. It is very hard to be unhappy, especially if getting back to happiness could still leave you feeling uncomfortable too. It’s all about finding a happy medium. Thank you Ellie x x
Tiny small and slim does not equate to healthy and happy. I have been up there and down and then up again, but at this age (60+) I have come to the final conclusion that as long as I feel good in my own skin, then I am happy! Thanks for sharing your own journey with us.
Thank you Esme, I long for the day i can say the same x x
Weight slides up & down for me… but I have decided I want to be healthy & strong from now on. Weight will be weight.
Thats a very good way of looking at it x x
Learning to love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin is something that so many of us struggle with, including me, and I don’t think there’s ever an easy answer. It’s good that you have Rob and that you can be so articulate and open about how you feel, because that definitely helps open up the debate. Beautifully written, Claire, thank you xx
Thank you so much Lisa. I am very blessed to have a man that loves me no matter what, if I could just learn to love myself a little more, that would be great x
We all have our deamons that is true, it’s finding a balance when you can crack it you are there. We go on diets, eating plans, fitness programs and crash outs to get into a dress or a swim suit. Really all we need to do Is stop thinking that there are good and bad foods but balanced, and portion control ( eating small portions) I bet anything you stop all the sugar crisps and fast foods but keep them in your head as for treat days . or worse in a cupboard for your kids. We need to find a way to wipe out the things we were told as kids, and realise if it is poison to you … why would you call it a treat. Most of us do it and say but why should they suffer. Uuuummm! Are they suffering by being taught when they are young before they have learned somethings are not good for you? And just before you want to block me and never have any more to do with me, I better tell you, I do it too. I struggle with a genetic metabolic disease and really need to be as light as is possible (impossible) A stone has taken me a year to lose, it is not enough by a long shot. The requirement from the hospital is another two stone. But I now am not allowed to exercise while they check my heart, a month in and I know I could be eating better and maybe I am sulking with food, but what ever it is, I want to say …. you are not alone in scuppering yourself. It is hard and we mustn’t get on the weigh every five minutes treadmill but start to love ourselves enough to do it. Good luck x you can do it.
Thank you so much for your comment, and clarity. I think my mental health has taken a huge knock over the last 2 years. I lost my Mum after gaining a new family. I went from single Mum to one to a mum of 3 with a large house, moved to another town, left a job I knew and loved and still have my Dad to care for in my home town.
I try to stretch myself too thin and have stopped making myself a priority. Once I can balance life better and realise that I am important and I need to care for me before I can care for others, I am never going to succeed with my weight loss journey again.
Thank you so much, and most definitely not going to be blocking you x