On what would have been your 64th birthday, here is A Birthday letter to you Mum. Life will never quite feel the same again, so much to say to you and tell you. It’s hard to know where to start.
A Birthday letter to you Mum
Dear Mum,
Tuesday 23rd July. It would be your birthday and as I sit here writing this on my first birthday without you, I wonder if any birthday will ever feel the same again.
It’s been a good day, we went for a long walk, bumped in to my Godson, did a bit of shopping, had lunch with my boy while watching a film and even had a nap. A pretty good day I’d say.
But I opened a card that didn’t have your name on it and there was the stark reminder that there are no more cards, no more celebrations together, no thoughtful gifts, no need to find the perfect gift, its a huge amount to wrap my head around. I loved that we shared such close birthday’s. Made them seem even more special.
There is a hole now, a hole in my heart, a hole in my life and a bit of each day that should be for you, for me and I have no idea what I can do to make that easier to cope with.
I do think about you each day, remember all the wonderful moments that we had together and as a family. But I hate that memories is all I have now. No opportunity to make new ones with you.
I talk about you every day, when a memory pops up on facebook, I laugh or I smile, I share it for others to see or I recall it to someone and I love doing that, it makes you feel close.
Because how can you be gone if you are everywhere?
The reality is that you are gone and on days like this, milestone moments, that you feel even more ‘gone’ than ever before.
There are so many moments that I have wanted to share with you. To pick up the phone and tell you about. Guidance I have needed. I hear your songs on the radio and it feels like you’re right here. But as I watch a film you’ll never get to share with me, I feel sad and empty.
There’s the new Pink album which I know you would love and I feel like you’re missing out on it. Or when I watch Ambulance, I know we’d of discussed our favourite or most shocking moments together. The nail-biting Grey’s Anatomy which really upped its game this time would have provided plenty to talk about.
The Cricket world cup which was nail-biting until the very end, you’d of loved it. Dad made sure that he turned your picture round so you could watch it with him. It would have been so much better if you could have watched it for real
You were so convinced in the hospice that you’d watched the new Mamma Mia film. You’d not accept that the film hadn’t come out yet, or that you’d not left the house in 2 months. You were just 100% sure you’d watched it. But now I can’t bring myself to watch it, not without you.
I have only just watched the Greatest Showman today for the first time! I knew you loved it and the kids do but I just couldn’t bring myself to watch it.
For every good moment or bad, I want to share it with you and knowing I can’t do that is really hard.
I miss you so much, there isn’t a day where I don’t wish that things were different. It is cruel that you were taken so soon, forever 63.
I miss your smile and those beautiful blue eyes. I’ll always wish I’d taken them in more, I wish you’d been able to smile more on your last birthday and that I could have captured it on camera forever.
I miss watching you be the best wife to my Dad, He misses you so very much. I’ll always look after him the best I can but I’ll never be the things he misses most about you.
Missing your Nanny and F moments suck, you loved each other so dearly. I miss being able to tell you how well he is doing, sharing the big moments with you, the assemblies, wobbly teeth which he has to handle alone!
You’d be so proud of him this year as he faces high school. Oh and his SAT’s results! Mum they were amazing!
I miss seeing you with your family, watching you laugh with them and share stories. Plus your party hosting skills were way better than mine, you were a natural! I have no idea how you made it look so easy!
I just miss your company, spending time with you doing nothing in particular, I miss seeing your silly picture pop up on my phone when you called, I miss your comments on my facebook posts, I miss you telling me off, calling me Hairy Mclary or Miss Claire. There isn’t a single thing about you that I don’t miss.
Happy Birthday Mum, you’re forever 63 and forever in our hearts and mind, each day. In everything I do, I think of you.
I love you always Mum x
Hugs! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for reading x
Can’t imagine how hard it must be, sending lots of love and hugs x
Thank you x
I miss sending a card this time. Been thinking about her so much this week as Graham and I share our Ruby wedding. Pauline was there at the start and we shall raise a glass and think of you all.
Thank you so so much Linda. Thinking of you on your anniversary 💕
Beautifuly written. Made me tear up… You had an amazing relationship and she will always live on in your hearts. ❤️
Thank you so much x
Oh it’s beautiful and brings a tear to the eye. I’m sure your Mum is looking down, so proud of you and F and enjoying all those moments with you but from afar. xxx
Thank you so much x
This has brought tears to my eyes, like you say it is unfair when loved ones are taken so young. I’m sure she is looking down and smiling at everything you are achieving and doing 🙂
Thank you x
Such a heartfelt and beautiful letter!
Thank you x
What a lovely letter! It shows just how close the two of you must have been!
Thank you, we were very close x
Beautiful words, I dread the day I loose my mum.
I wish I had known my Mom!
So sorry Gina x
Oh my goodness this is so emotional your mum sounds like a wonderful woman and I can only begin to imagine how much it must hurt not being able to make new memories with her x
Thank you x
Another beautiful post Claire, that brought a tear to my eye (as you often do!) I can’t begin to imagine how hard her first birthday without her here was for you but I’m sure you remembered her in your own special way x
Thank you Jenny x x
Hugs and love to you. Beautiful letter. I also lost my mom and I cried reading this letter.
I’m so sorry for your loss Loren x
I lost my mom as a teen, and I can definitely relate to how hard it can be. Sending love your way. 💌
Thank you Sarah. I’m sorry for your loss x
Beautiful letter! I miss all the same things you have described. What I miss the most is simply her presence next to me. And I realized that I miss her even more once I had my kids. Sending you lots of virtual hugs.
Bless you Marta, I can imagine it’s so hard once you’re a Mum. Sending love x
Lovely post, you were blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with your Mum. Something to cherish for always.
Thank you x x
What a beautiful post! Sending you love and light in this time <3
Thank you x
Bless you! Such an emotional, beautiful letter – it must be so difficult for you all. Your mum will be looking down on you proudly!
Thank you so much Sabina x
This was beautiful and yet so sad. It makes me want to write a birthday letter to both my grandfather and grandmother who I lost earlier this year. Sending you so much love. I know it’s hard but always remember she’s watching down on you. x
Thank you 💕
Oh my! My heart breaks for you. What a great birthday tribute to your Mum. I lost my husband at the end of May. His birthday isn’t until December and I’m already dreading it. Coping with loss is so very hard. It effects every area of your life. Lord bless you in this journey.
Oh Wanda, I’m so sorry for your loss x
Thank you, Claire!
Sending you a big virtual hug. Sounds like you and your mum had such a special relationship and so many fun memories you shared together. She is indeed all around you xx
Thank you x
What a beautiful and emotional letter. Sounds like you had a great relationship. x
Thank you, she was the best x
What a beautiful emotional letter. You were obviously very close.
We were very close. Thank you x
I’m so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful letter, thank you for sharing.
Thank you x
I’m so sorry. I lost my Grandma last year and her first birthday in Heaven was very hard on me as well. I miss her so much. Sending love and hugs.
So sorry for your loss as well x x
I think it is important to stop, think and remember on days like this – sending my love
Thank you x
I am so sorry for your loss. This is a very touching letter and very tearful too. She is indeed all around you and her memories are always with you. I know she is looking after you and your family from above so this sense she is always with you.
D, xo
Thank you so much x
Aww what a beautiful letter to your mom. My heart just breaks after reading this. Sending my love and hugs xOxO
Thank you x
Seem like you and your mom are very closed to each other. I have put so much emotions after reading this.
What a beautiful post! So sorry for your loss!!
Thank you x
I am sorry for your loss. Your words are beautiful.. think about your happy memories and how blessed your are to have those.
Thank you x
Lovely letter. I lost my mom ten years ago. I don’t think you ever stop thinking of things to tell them or events you attend you know they would enjoy. I also think it is a privilege that we had such wonderful relationships with our mom to have memories.
I am just so relieved that I can look back and have no ill feeling towards her and I have zero regrets. I know our relationship was the strongest, never an ill word spoken, no anger and I know time was never long enough, but I know that we spent so much time together so I can’t worry that I let her down x x
Great way to share your life experiences about your mom. Thanks for the read.
Thank you x
Your mum sounds really lovely! Happy memories! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much x x
A beautiful letter. Its hard when the Mammy leaves us. I still have mine, and I’m dreading the time when comes for her to go.
Thank you so much. Hold your Mammy tight x x