Sharing the journey that began a year ago today. A journey that meant a lot of days where time stopped
A year ago today: The days where time stopped
18th May 2019
Today marks a year since my Mum was told she had cancer.
I don’t want to talk about how that makes me feel as such but more about what this date represents to me.
It was the beginning of the grieving process, I just wasn’t aware of it at the time. I had no real idea that this was the start of something that would change my whole life and state of mind forever.
This date is the start of a journey to lots of firsts for us as a family. My first birthday without her, her first angel birthday and of course the first anniversary of her passing.
I can already feel this tightness in my chest, this weight that I carry with me becoming heavier and harder to handle. Remember each day so clearly and I know with each passing day now I’ll be remembering where we were this time last year.
I know each significant date of appointments, hospital stays, days spent with her and her time in the hospice. I’ve always been good at remembering significant dates for obscure events. I am rubbish at birthdays but need to know the date of that concert we went to 5 years ago, I can tell you. Want to know a date we visited somewhere, yep got that one stored in my brain! So I know without a doubt that as each date comes and passes I am going to feel like I am right back there, living it again.
The reality of this terrifies me. It is too raw to have forgotten any of those early days, the waiting, the lack of answers and her fading away. The thought of having to process this all again is too much.
At least last year I had the distraction of the situation. Life was too busy to sit and really make sense of what was going on but now all I have are the memories of it to process.
Grieving before they’ve gone
It is only now I can see that from that day I began to grief for my Mum. I knew as much as our life was changing around her, the change she was facing was much bigger.
I cannot even begin to imagine how it must have felt for her, to be faced with her own death. How do you even begin to understand that? She had no form of distraction. Her pain and reality saw to that. We didn’t talk about it. It was all stiff upper lip and ‘Keep calm and carry on’.
But with every moment I spent with her, despite trying to remain positive and happy. I was mourning for the times that had come before. All those special memories that I had been so lucky to have with her. They’d soon be all I had left of her.
While I worked really hard to hold it all together and soak up every moment I had left with her, thoughts would always return to our past together.
If I could do it all again, would I do it differently, knowing what I know now? Probably not because despite all the pain those times were so precious to me, and to her I hope.
4th June 2019
A year since Mum fell at home and ended up in the hospital. I remember feeling hopeful at this point, that something might happen now and maybe she’d get better.
But now a year on I can’t see the positive in this at all. Will I spend the day thinking about her, remembering her face, the pain she was in and the tears she’d shed for days. Will I think about the funny lady in the bed next to her trying to do a runner every 5 minutes?
Or will I remember how difficult that month was, racing between work and the hospital, feeling like I was on the verge of giving up myself. Being racked with guilt for being so selfish for even thinking about something other than Mum. Will it leave me feeling empty and regretful?
3rd July 2019
A year since Mum left hospital and came home. The house was adapted for her with a new bed and things to aid her getting around and suddenly life seemed a little more settled. She was back where she belonged.
Now though I’ll remember that nothing much had changed. The future was still so uncertain, we were still waiting on answers and she was still fading too quickly.
Is this what I will remember or will it be those times we spent talking, reminiscing, the feeling of slowing down a little after a month of chaos?
Will I remember spending what felt like hours watching her sleep, helping her to eat and drink? Or will I treasure the moments we sat wedding planning together?
22nd July 2019
Today is my first birthday without her. Do I sit and remember fondly that day? A day where she helped me pick my wedding dress from her bed.
I’ll more likely remember her not eating her favourite sandwich I’d made her and slurring her words or the phone call I made to tell her I was engaged and how she told me off for not sounding excited. I might wish I could tell her that although I was over the moon, I was sad. Sad because I knew by now she wouldn’t be there when I wore that dress again.
Maybe I’ll just wish I was not a year older, because without her there growing up seems that much harder.
23rd July 2019
Today would be her 64th Birthday, I don’t even know if it is right to think of her as an age anymore. How can I mark this day for her without feeling overwhelmed by sadness?
26th July 2019
The day she left her home for the last time and went to the Hospice. Will I just remember the relief I felt that Dad was finally going to have a much needed break, because she was only going in for a week, right?
Or will I just dwell on the fact that she never came home, never saw her home again, all her possessions remained untouched by her?
Will I be overwhelmed by the memories of those first few days when she had no idea what was going on, who she was or why she was there?
Maybe I will hold on to the kindness the hospice showed us all during her time there and just how big an impact that had on us when we needed it most.
9th August 2019
Today is a year since Rob and I stood up in front of you and promised to love each other always. The only ‘wedding’ you’d ever see. Will that remind me of how special that day was and how happy you were to be there?
Or could it just act as a reminder that you won’t see us get married now?
21st August 2019
The day I have been dreading but also willing to arrive, because maybe like everyone says, the firsts are always the hardest. Does this mean that from today, things will be a little easier?
But no, I know, even today writing this, that there is not a single thing that will make this day easier, today, next year or in 10 years time. This date is part of my history and my future and one I will never ever forget.
I will remember those last moments I spent with you, holding your hand, crying and begging you to come back. The trauma of it feels as if it was yesterday, right now I don’t see that it will ever change.
You don’t move on from losing a parent, you learn to live because of it.
As I sit writing this now, I realise it is OK to feel scared about the timeline ahead of me. I will always remember these dates and trying not to will only be more painful in the long run.
The days where time stopped
The more I talk about grief, the more I read about and speak out about it the more I appreciate it. I’m lucky to have had someone so special in my life. Someone I adored with all I have and who made my life so wonderful to grief for.
Of course I’d do anything to have her back with us but I’ll be eternally grateful for all she did for me. All she gave me, all she taught me and for being my Mum.
I know the coming months will be hard, maybe harder than I can comprehend right now. But I know that as a family we can and will get through this together. Maybe next year will be easier and the year after that. For now I accept the difficult times ahead because I know I am not alone.
If you’ve lost a loved one, did you begin to grieve they became ill? Or did you not get the opportunity?
Significant dates, do they remain so or did you find a way to move on from those? I’d love to hear your views and experiences on this subject.
It sounds like you’ve had a difficult year, and I’m so sorry for what your family has had to go through…
Thank you so much 💕
So sorry about your mom. Sadly, life can never be the same without her. I lost mine in 1999 and the older I grow, the more I miss her terribly. Time will just make the pain of living without her bearable. Lots of love
It is the most awful thing to know that she will never be here again. I’m so sorry for your loss 💕
Touching post. Talking openly about mental health awareness is certainly the need of the hour. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much for reading x
Many prayers and blessings for you…while I haven’t experienced the passing of a parent, I can certainly sympathize with your grieving and hope that you continue to find peace in honoring your Mom. Big big hugs, Mama! 🌹🦋🤗
This is an interesting and powerful post about grieving the loss of a parent…we need to get more comfortable talking about “the uncomfortable.”
Such a touching post, the dates make the meaning.
Recently in Portugal I saw the bus company named
under my mom’s name so it remind me of her saying
I’m traveling with my mom..
Oh that’s lovely. Funnily enough I saw an Eddie stobarts lorry with her middle names on recently and I found that really reassuring that she is always there x
Grieving can seem like a mountain you’ll never get past, but posts like this make it so much more real to those out there going through the same things. Brave. Thank you.
That is a great comparison. I write in the hope that it’ll help other people x
This was incredibly earnest, and I think a lot of people going through the same process can take strength from that. Thank you for this.
Thank you so much x
Grief is such a complex and personal thing. I often describe my own grief, following the loss of my father, as ‘grief by a thousand cuts’.
Your post is beautiful, sad and inspiring. It reads to me as much about love as grief.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Thank you so so much Phil, I love her even more fiercely now than ever.
I’m sorry for your loss x
I feel your pain and I’m so very sorry for your loss. I lost my mum to cancer 18 months ago and I can’t even find words to describe the grieving journey. Please know that you’re in my thoughts xx
Thank you so much Michelle, as are you. It’s a rubbish club to be part of but we are not alone 💕
I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through, I can’t even imagine. I do understand about the grieving before they’re gone. My family had a quicker experience this year, we had about a month since we told my aunt had a brain tumour and then she was gone. I’m so impressed with your post. It’s a bit raw for me to share!
I’m so sorry Claire, it is not fair at all that people have no time. It has certainly taught me to life for the now. Sending love to you and your family 💕
Beautiful thank you so much for your kind words.
You’re right though, our memories together make me love her even more now she is not here 💕
I’m so sorry about your mom. I wish I could tell you it gets easier with time, but it doesn’t really. I lost my grandma many years ago and every February (when she went into the hospital with organ failure) I still feel like I need to rush to the hospital. I miss her most during the summer and holidays. I’m sending thoughts and prayers your way!
I am sorry for your loss. I lost my Mum to cancer when I was 7 years old. forty years later there are times when it hurts like it was yesterday. The anger and resentments surface and I lose control. Most days hold fond memories though. Each one of us has to process grief in our own way. It is a process of stages, it is a process of time, and a process of strength. Surround yourself with your tribe of gal pals and take a deep breath. Just know, you are not alone, and there will come a time when you can breathe again.
Thank you Shar, I am so sorry for your loss x x
Thank you for sharing what so many feel. In the beginning the dates that stung are with us I think to help us deal with them.
As time goes on the happier dates start to take priority along with the memories. You never forget the other dates but they take a back seat.
Bless your heart! I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum! I lost my younger brother in 2009 — just 6 weeks before his 21st birthday. He hadn’t been driving long and overcorrected when he ran off the road, causing the vehicle to roll. He was wearing his seat belt but the impact killed him. We had spent the evening before hanging out, laughing and enjoying a meal. I don’t think knowing that someone’s passing is coming is easier or more difficult. Both ways, it’s hard to lose those whom we love. The happy days and memories are the ones I enjoy holding onto the most. I remember when my parents and I brought him home from the hospital, sharing birthday parties, riding our bikes all over town, and how great of an uncle he was to my boys. Cherish those good moments!
I hold those memories so tight, Your brother sounds like one of the good guys. I am so sorry for your loss x x
Thank you for openly sharing what so many of us go through, but don’t talk about. I think we do grieve when our loved ones are sick and it is clear that they will not be getting better. Then things are on hold until they die. It will get easier, at least some days will. Unexpected things will still cause an avalanche of emotions. Two years since my Mum died in similar circumstances to what you describe and I still have those unexpected moments.
They take your breathe away don’t they? Just when you think you’re doing ok. Thank you 💕
So sad, sorry about your mum. Nothing can replace a Mother’s love and care. I lost two good friends to cancer and actually wrote a post about it. Hopefully someday there’s going to be an end to it❤
That’s all any of us want, I just hope it’s in our lifetime. Thank you 💕
My heart goes out to you. I lost my Dad to cancer a few years back. It never gets easier. You just learn to deal with it better.
If you ever need to talk, my doors open. I’ve experienced the pain myself.
Stephen at YuleTimes
http://Www.yuletimes.com
Thank you so much Stephen. Sending love 💕
My heart feels your pain as I had the same experience with my dad passing which was exactly 3 months after my daughter passing. The emotions are still raw 18 years later from all the what could have been to I still love you and will always have you in my heart.
Pain and grieving is such a complex emotion and we all process it differently, Keep the love alive in your heart and it will guide you.
xoxox Giangi
Thank you so much, I’m so sorry you’re in this horrible club too.
Sending love 💕
This sounds like an awful year. Honestly, it’s not unlike my own life at the moment. I joke that not even G.R.R could write the book of my life at the moment in regards to illness, especially cancer.
I’m so sorry this is happening you. Sending you all my love and healing.
– Nyxie
http://www.nyxiesnook.com
Thinking of you too, I thought as soon as I saw you post on the share thread ‘oh no not a great post for Chloe’
Sending love 💕
So sorry for your loss lovely, I haven’t felt the pain of losing a parent so I can but empathise. I don’t think it gets easier but the way you grieve changes (I know this from looking at my mum who lost her mother 2 years ago)
Yes it does change, you learn to adapt to get by. Thank you so much x
So sorry for your loss. I think its so wonderful that you have shared your journey as I think we are not very good about talking about grief which isn’t good for us. I’m sure you will help someone else to work with their grief from sharing your story. x
God, Claire, your posts always make me cry (don’t apologise for it though, that’s a gift). You’re amazing for sharing your story so openly and I’m sure (well, I know) plenty of other people will have gone through and been going through the same thing and hopefully your posts can help them in some small way.
Jenny
http://www.jennyinneverland.com
Thank you Jenny. That’s all I can hope is that by writing about it, it helps others to realise we are far from alone x
Beautifully written, so sorry for your loss. X
Thank you for sharing. This was a hard read to get through without tears. I too have one of those dates in my life that has forever changed me. We all process grief in such different ways, maybe having this platform to share will be a powerful way for you to get through yours. Keeping you in my thoughts.
Melissa
Thank you so much Melissa, it has really helped me to process so much by writing. The feedback I get really makes you realise we are not alone x x
Sorry to hear about that, my mom had cancer and I remember the day it happened vividly!!! The biggest thing I can say I learned was to cherish the small things (as cliche as that may seem), stop being angry over silly things and do your best to live life at every moment!
It has certainly changed the way I look at things and I know a lot of my Mums friends now very much live for the moment x
Just started out blogging and have written a similar post about my journey through grief and losing my dad. I feel your pain!
Stay strong and keep writing so honestly. There’s so many of us experiencing this and we just don’t realise until we read more stories.
It’s a horrible club to be in but it is reassuring to know that we are all experiencing the same things so it makes it feel more normal.
So sorry for your loss x x
Yours too xx
I am so sorry about your mum and all you’ve gone through but stay strong all will be well, it may take time but you will reach it. Stay blessed and remember she is always with you.
I am so sorry for your loss and all you have gone through,stay strong and remember that she is always with you.
Thank you Joan 💕
Losing someone close to you is never easy. There is a big difference in the grieving process when you watch someone slowly deteriorate compared to a sudden passing. Neither are easy but they are different. Praying for you as you continue to grieve and live on with her memory
Thank you so much Laura 💕
My mom died in a car accident almost 20 years ago. So my grief started after her passing. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions. It took me about 10 years to make peace with her not being here with me. But even now I experience really hard days. Sending love!
Thank you so much for sharing Marta, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending love to you as well 💕
My grandmother died of breast cancer 8 years ago …..
Thank you for writing and sharing your feelings. I believe that grief absolutely needs to be shared and discussed more. I have lost my mother and my son. While I am not a date person in the same way you are ( I love that part of your post ) I am truly an event person. Years later when certain events come up and I remember my time with them it brings me pain… but now, also joy. I hope as the time passes the joy you remember and feel outweighs the pain.
Thank you so much for sharing this with me Margaret and I am truly sorry for the loss of your Mother and son, I can’t imagine how difficult that must be. Sending love x x
I am so sorry for your loss, but I think it is great that you are sharing your grief to help others.
It is a timely message, especially during Mental Health Awareness Month. Grief definitely impacts mental health, so we have to be on high alert that the sadness doesn’t become clinical.
This post is going to help others going through the same struggles. They will feel less alone because of your willingness to share your story.
Thank you so much Andrea for your kind words. All I can hope for is that my writing might make someone feel more normal about this awful process and hopefully be aware of how important their mental health is x
I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it’s good to remember and honor all these dates even though it’s incredibly hard. My mom lived with cancer for years and I think I always felt she would beat it. But once it got bad I think I definitely started grieving, realizing any moment could be “it.” I always felt guilty about it bc I felt like I was giving up on her in a way, though I was really being realistic. I’m not quite there yet but I hope with time it becomes a little more bearable <3 Thank you for sharing on such a hard subject.
I know exactly what you mean, I felt terrible that we were ‘giving up’ and it broke my heart when she realised that we all knew this was the end. Then I felt guilty for feeling relieved that her pain would end. It’s just so tough. Thank you for reading 💕
Much love! This is a beautiful post. Cancer is painful to watch in our loved ones ❤️❤️
Thank you so much, Cancer is cruel for sure x
So sorry that you’ve lost your mom. <3 There are tough times ahead, but you’re doing yourself so much good by going ahead and starting to process these “milestones” through thinking and writing. So many people “deal” with grief by not dealing with it, ignoring it, shoving it under the surface. You are going to be so much more emotionally healthy in the long run by acknowledging and validating your grief! Hugs to you.
Thank you so much Laura x x
I’m sorry to hear what you’ve been through. I can’t imagine how hard it is. Grief is definitely hard for a lot of people to talk about.
Its such a taboo topic. I find talking about it helps a huge amount x x
Gosh. You made me cry this morning. I totally understand where you are coming from. My dad died from complications of lung cancer. I am an oncology nurse, so knowing what I knew made this journey even more difficult as I knew what was coming for him. I can tell you that for me, as the years went by after his death, it became easier. Instead of crying or becoming melancholy when I thought of him, I smiled because of the time I had with him. I will forever miss him, but I always smile when I think of him.
This is so touching, I can feel your pain through your words, every word came from your heart and soul. From the bottom of my heart, I’m sorry for your lost Claire. Moms are angels!
Thank you so much for your words, my Mum is one of the most beautiful angels 💕
Christmas Eve, 2015: the evening we found out my mum had cancer
The day David Bowie died (of cancer): I was driving mum to the first chemo session in London
June 20, 2017: the day she went into hospital, weak and struggling to breathe. The day she left her home for the last time
June 23, 2017 5:19am: the minute my life fell apart and changed forever
… and here we are heading for the ‘2 year anniversary’ and it’s still so hard to accept. Life isn’t fair.
I am so sorry for your loss. Cancer is absolute poison and destroys so many life’s x x
i am so sorry for your loss and I hope that by writing down your thoughts and feelings that it has brought you some comfort
Thank you, it has helped me more than I thought it could x
So sorry about your mum. I can’t imagine getting that news or how I would react.
Thank you x x
I’m so sorry for your loss. My first husband died from a brain tumour and I understand grieving for someone before they have passed but yet when the time came I still wasn’t ready to let go. Although every day without our loved ones are hard I did find the first anniversaries the most difficult.
I wasn’t ready either, I thought I was but my god I was wrong. I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience this too 💕
I haven’t had to go through this pain and I hope I don’t have to for a long time, but I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this xx
Thank you so much x x
This is such an emotional post and I’m so sorry for your loss. Cancer is such a devastating illness for everyone involved and having experienced something similar the only thing I can say is that it hurts beyond belief, but time is the healer. x
It certainly is, thank you x x
What an emotional post. A year of first is always going to be hard and I am so sorry for your loss
Thank you so much x
Beautifully written. I can’t imagine the pain you go through on a cancer journey with a parent, it is heartbreaking x
Thank you, it’s utterly heartbreaking but I’ll cherish those last months with her x
I am so sorry for your loss, time is a great healer but the pain and sadness will always be there in the background x
It’s very much always there, but time certainly makes it easier. Thank you x x
Such a beautiful, moving post. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through. I hope you manage to remember and celebrate many good times when the time feels right. Take care, lovely. Xx
Thank you 💕
You had me thinking of my mother while reading your post She has also passed away. I started grieving for her before she died also. It was a lost of what could have been. Grief comes in waves and unexpected as I’m sure you realize. Yes to talking about it as it is part of life – thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much, I’m so sorry for your loss x x
As I’ve lost both my father and father-in-law quite close together recently, in very different situations, I was reading your post and I was taken back to those days. I can relate to all you say especially the grieving before they actually passed away. It’s a sad time and I feel for you. Take care and remember the good days together.
Thank you for your kind words. Sorry for your losses, sending love 💕
Thanks Claire, it’s still fresh for us all, and you too xx
I cannot pretend to understand what you went through and still go through. Cancer is the plague of our time. I sat with a very close friend through her final weeks (she was 36) and was in the hospital for her last hours. The grief is physical pain. It is hard to believe the world does not come to a total halt. I miss her all the time and she was not a blood relation. I send all my warmest wishes your way.
Thank you so much. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. Cancer is honestly the worst thing ever! All I can hope is that we find a cure in our lifetime x x
Wouldn’t that be something?
Cancer itself is painful but it is also a tough process. Knowing that your loved one is going through pain and may not survive despite all the best efforts is not the best feeling. Take care, Claire.
Hi Claire, really sorry for your loss, very hard! The one person I have lost who I loved dearly was my grandma. We lost her years ago but I still miss her. In my job I have to visit the care home that she died in. Thankfully I can not remember which room she was in but I hate visiting it because of the sad memories. I was holding her hand when she died.
I’m not sure if the sad feelings ever go away, I guess we somehow learn to live with those feelings. I read your post and it made me cry. Hope your family are looking after you! X
Thank you so much for your kind words. My family are amazing and certainly keep me going.
That must be really hard. I struggle at the thought of going back to the hospice or hospital where she was. Feels too hard.
Sending love to you x x
It’s years ago now, but going back to the home I always think of her and the night we lost her.
Im pleased that your family are looking after you, A very tough time for all of you x x
Beautifully written and extremely honest post. Thank you for sharing. I am sorry for your loss.
Every loss is different, my Nan died earlier this year from dementia, but I’d lost her a long time before that.
Dementia is utterly heartbreaking! So unfair to lose a person long before they go. Thank you x
So many wonderful memories remain and that’s the important thing. I’m glad you had good years with your Mom and that so many people have reached out to you. I’m sorry for your loss…your Mom sounds like a lovely lady. oxoxox
Thank you so much. She was so wonderful 💕
Beautifully written, thank you for sharing. I am really sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry for your loss and I feel for you so much. My mom was paralyzed in a car wreck Christmas Day 2005 on the way to church and would live almost 10 years to the day before she would finally go home to Heaven. I became her primary caregiver for the first 7 of those 10 years and they were like hell and bits of heaven all rolled into one. Watching someone you love so much suffer so greatly while being sure they stay alive wirh every with of the ventilator and emptying their colostomy and catheter bag and packing their chest to public bone open wound from emergency surgery is a mind numbing, painful, horrific, overwhelming hardship. But when those eyes look up at you and say thank you and I trust you, it floods your mind with the willingness to press and move one one more moment. Grief is so individual and there is no timeline. Sometimes when I think of my mom the pain is so deep my throat literally starts to close up and I have to remember to breathe and I pretend she is here just so I can go on. Go easy on yourself and give yourself permission to grieve. Mom has been gone for 3 1/2 years yet it feels like yesterday and 15 years ago all at once. Hugs to you.
I am so glad you can look back on the good memories. <3 It really is difficult losing your Mom.
Gosh was an emotional yet beautifulpost. Loosing a parent is never easy, I think looking back on good memories and remembering good times really helps. Take care xx
Thank you so much x x
I m so sorry to hear about your mom. I really can’t imagine how it feels. SOunds like you really had a great memories together with her.
She was truly wonderful x
I found this really hard to read. We have had a year of firsts without my dad. The hardest was his birthday. We should have been celebrating his 63rd birthday, his retirement and my daughter’s 1st birthday. I feel bad that her birthday will always be hard for us for reasons she can’t understand.
I am so sorry for your loss. It is the most heartbreaking thing to lose a parent x x
This is a wonderful post, extremely sad but good for you for sharing.It’s so important to write about these things. I lost my mum 10 years ago, of course you never forget and you never fully heal – but time does make things easier and you learn how to live. Take care xx
Thank you Lizzy, it is by far the hardest thing. I look forward to a time it is a little easier.
I am so sorry for your loss x x
I am very sorry to hear about your loss and hope that the happy memories help you heal
Thank you Kara x
I’m so sorry for your loss. It is great that you are talking and writing about your grief. It will help you for sure, but will help more people than you could know.
Sorry about your loss and glad you of your willingness to share with others who might need help with coping with grief. As you stated in another post it is “ok not to be okay.” Please take care and remain safe.
Thank you so so much for your kind words x