Difficult conversations
In life, there are many conversations that we feel uncomfortable having.
The new couple, desperate to say ‘I love you’ to each other for the first time but are too scared of rejection.
The unhappy customer in the hairdresser who can’t quite bring herself to say ‘I hate it’
The friend who so desperately wants to tell their best friend that they feel hurt by their words towards them.
A child who wants to tell his teacher how he is being bullied but can’t find the words.
A Father telling his children he is going to die.
There are so many more examples I could list here for you but I want to focus on one of the most difficult but important conversations we should be having with our loved ones.
Death
See? I told you it was the hardest.
No one wants to talk about death, We do not want to think about our own death or anyone else’s for that matter. None of us really want to accept that the end is inevitable, but it is.
Now I don’t want this to be all doom and gloom. I don’t think it is as simple as being born and dying. There is so much more to life than those two things. It’s about making all that comes in between matter.
What I want though, is for those around me to know exactly what I want to happen when the time comes. My wishes to be known but to also know that those wishes will be listened to and acted on.
This means having conversations I’d rather not have.
Why is this so important to me?
Losing Mum gave me an insight in to something I’d never thought about before, my own mortality of course. But also a world of options and decisions that must be made.
I remember walking in to the hospice one day to find Mum, Dad and her sister discussing music. Mum was compiling a list of her favourite songs.
What went unspoken was that these were choices she’d have for her funeral music.
Beyond that though Mum refused to talk about her funeral. And while I can understand that faced with the reality your funeral is coming quicker than you’d ever realised must be extremely difficult to process. It did mean that we didn’t really know what she wanted.
We of course knew that she wanted to be cremated and be an organ donor but that was it. The rest we had to work out for ourselves and at such a difficult time it was not an easy task.
I wish I had asked her before it was too late.
How do we decide what we want?
It can’t be something we have thought about a huge amount, we are too busy enjoying life to worry about it right now. But I think these are some of the basics that we should be aware of.
Burial or cremation?
For me it would have to be cremation, several reasons for this. 1- will there even be burial space available at the time, 2- the idea of being buried gives me the creeps and 3 – what if there is no one to come and visit my grave and take care of it?
For me cremation is the obvious answer. I prefer the thought of it, more final. The local crematorium is beautiful as well so that really swings it for me, plus Mum was cremated their.
Organ donation?
I won’t need any of my organs and if cremated it is just a waste of hopefully good organs. For some the idea of this happening is too much to bear. I know without hesitation that if I needed an organ or my children needed one, I would take one. So if I am willing to be given an organ donation then I should be prepared to give one as well.
Religious service or not?
How important is religion to you? This will be the biggest deciding factor for you. Now for me, it was really important to get married in a church and I was christened as a child, as was F.
But when my time comes, I don’t feel the sense of importance in a religious service at the end. I don’t know why, maybe it stems from losing Mum. The feeling of an unjust world that made me question religion completely.
Although that does feel fairly hypocritical really. But it is such a personal choice. If your family have no religious connection then they may want to go a different route to what you’d choose for yourself.
Music and readings?
I have been to many funerals and each time the music has really added to the service. It has made me think about the person we are saying goodbye to with such fondness, evoked a memory or in some cases made me smile.
Music adds personality to proceedings and if it can be something you can decide on before hand. These choices really do come from you, as personal a touch as you can have in this circumstance.
As for readings, this can come back to religion again. Some passages from the bible might be all you want. Or you could choose something significant to you.
I wrote Mum’s eulogy, and although it was a scary prospect, looking back now I am really proud of what I put together. Thank goodness for family, they were able to make it relatable to us all. It was still difficult to know if it would be what Mum would want. If there was anything she would add in or take out.
I’ve heard of many people writing their own eulogy, a story of their own life told by them. What a lovely idea, but it could save your family from having to work on something so hard at an already difficult time.
Attire
Not only what you want those around you to wear, but also what you would like to be laid to rest in. This was so hard to decide.
Mum was always clear about her likes and dislikes and would always dress immaculately for any occasion. I really felt the pressure to get it right.
Between us I think that we made the right choice and she’d have been happy with what she was wearing.
We as a family decided that smart but casual and not necessarily black was the right way to go for her funeral. But I did doubt myself and wonder if she’d have been happy with that choice.
How do you make your wishes known?
And this is where these difficult conversations come in.
Mum’s passing gave Rob and I an obvious reason to start talking about our wishes. Being able to open up about what I want to happen when the time comes was quite liberating. I felt that once I’d told him, that I didn’t need to think about this again. It’s done, it’s out there.
To know what he wanted as well, even if that does involve walking up a massive hill to scatter his ashes! Well the kids will have to handle that because I am not climbing up there when I am old … Because of course I plan on living till a very old age and Rob will too.
Opening up
I’ve also had a chat with Dad and I think he felt the same as me, that it was important we knew what he wanted. We have even discussed pre-planning his funeral. But I am not sure if that is not one conversation too far!
Funeral homes are making it much easier to do that now though and it is becoming a popular way to make sure your wishes are known, especially if you don’t want to be having these conversations. By planning in advance the funeral home will know exactly what you want and can share this with your family when the time comes.
Another way to make your wishes known if you really can’t bring yourself to have these conversations, is to make sure you have a will. Here you can make sure that your wishes are known. It is worth remembering that this can take some time to access from solicitors or whoever you chose to use to create your will.
It is definitely important that anyone who may need to see your completed will is aware of where a copy is.
Moving forward
Life is short, its cruel and inevitable. That said though life is wonderful, go out and enjoy every moment of it. Make that bucket list, travel, watch your children grow up but make your final wishes known.
You can then live freely, knowing that your family know what you want and you don’t need to give it any more thought and just focus on living.
Do you think it is important to have these conversations or is it too morbid a thought for you?
Should our families be left to make these decisions for us or should we relieve them of this burden? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
Great post, personally I’d like to be cremated but I don’t think my family would be comfortable with the idea. I also want a small service if there be any at all because I don’t want fake cries at my funeral when the relationship wasn’t the same when I was alive.
It is hard if you have differing views to your family x
Wow, what a thought-provoking piece! Thank you for sharing your deeply personal experience.
My family is quite old fashioned and religious and they too hate talking about death. In their mind talking about the subject in a way provokes the universe.
I, on the other hand, have adopted a much more practical approach. I emigrated to the UK as a student and have now settled here. My family are all based in Bulgaria and unfortunately don’t speak a word of English. Quite early on I was hit with the realization that if something was to happen to me, my family are unable to make any arrangements or anything of the sort. God forbid if I get hit by a car tomorrow, how would they even find out?
So I have spoken to them about it and wrote up a will that outlines exactly what my wishes are, what is to happen to my possessions and my body. I am only 29 years old and hopefully have many more years of life in front of me but the way I look at it, death is inevitable and it is our duty to make sure we don’t burden those left behind once we’re gone.
So yes, it’s a tricky conversation to have but one we must be willing to have with our loved once. And you don’t have to talk about it all the time, it’s the type of thing you discuss once and then you just move on with your life.
Thank you again for sharing!
Thank you so much for sharing your own experiences. I think that is a very wise idea. I am sure you won’t need it for many many years but I think its very good that you have plans in place x
Such an important post. It’s a VERY difficult subject and I think taking charge of it can ever so slightly lessen the fear factor. I want to have an eco pod and become a tree with some kind of memorial item (I’ve always loved grave stones, but would be pretty random to have one in a forest?!) I want a personal/spiritual non-religious ceremony and then a very boozy party where everyone dresses up fabulously, absolutely no black, and dances. Oh man, if I go soon, my Mum will HATE it 😂
I had to laugh then Jo! I would definitely want dancing at my funeral too. I love the idea of the eco pod x x
I think it’s great that you are being so open around the conversation especially since losing your mum. It’s probably something I need to be better at.
It is certainly not an easy one, but I think it is really important x
Sorry to hear about your mum. Death can be a tricky subject to discuss with others. Sometimes it is necessary though in order to be able to carry out people’s wishes when it does occur. It’s not a conversation we’ll have with all, generally, one for our nearest and dearest and that makes it so much more important. In a way, it also helps make things easier when a loved one as passed as they make decisions so that you’re not tasked with them when they do pass.
It is hugely valuable. I am glad we knew the few bits we did but it would have been much easier had we have known more x
I agree I think it is important to talk about the difficult conservations when I was younger, I used to cringe whenever my parents would talk about dying and their preferences, etc. Sorry about your mum.
Thank you. Its a horrible conversation to have but I really wish we’d known more x
I hear you, sometimes it’s only later we realize, its these conversations that we should have had.
Death is definitely a tricky topic for me. I never had someone close pass away. Just recently I found out my grandmother has breast cancer. She’s almost 80 so I’m glad she got to live out most of her life already however, it still hurts knowing that this will probably take her away from me even faster. Also so sorry to hear about your mom.
Thank you. Sending love to your Grandmother, I hope there is some good news for you all x x
So sorry to read about your mum, that must have been so hard. This is a very good post, and is something along the lines I have recently talked to my sister and brother in law about should the need arise. It’s hard but your wishes must be voiced. I had to bring up my elderly grandma’s requests r.e. a rescusitation (can’t spell that?!) order with her not so long ago – that was a tough moment. Best wishes to you, and thank you for writing this important post!
Hi Lucy, thank you for reading. Its very hard but so valuable x
This hit home. Come May it will be five years since we buried my mother. It was sudden and unexpected. All we knew she wanted as far as a funeral went was that she didn’t want people staring at her in the casket. She preferred simple and we knew her favorite flowers, but we had to fill in all the holes. It was overwhelming. My husband and I have been more open with each other on our plans, but haven’t gone as far as taking care of any arrangements in advance.
Just having those conversations will help no end. I am sorry for your loss, It gets easier but it is always with you isn’t it x
Gosh, you’re right this is really something I should talk to my loved ones about. Taking that emotional labour off of them and relieving them of some of the stress is absolutely something I want to do.
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It is a hard one but hugely valuable x
I think this is important. I never had these chats with my Dad, so we had to kind of do what we thought he would have wanted. Hope you did ok at Christmas without your Mum xx
Thank you Sarah, Christmas was a bit easier than I expected actually. I hope yours was ok too x x
This is not morbid at all, this is a must and shows not only responsibility, but love and care for our loved one. Thank you so much for sharing this vital and important subject. When I hospiced care my mother, it was painful, but at the same time, a memory I cherish for the rest of my life in helping her make those difficult decisions about what to do after she passed. Many blessings to you.
Thank you so much Beth. It is impossibly hard but I honestly think it will make things so much easier when the time comes. I feel the same about the time I had with my Mum in the hospice x
Oh a lighter note, as you know I’ve also lost my mum quite recently, when I was younger I watched a James Bond film, and he woke up (having been unconscious) in a coffin, in a crematorium oven that was turned on. I was too young to watch it, but it was on when I wandered into the room – and wow, did that give me nightmares. I’ve been petrified of cremations ever since.
I don’t know if it’s morbid, but it’s definitely a very practical post. I can imagine that losing your Mum would suddenly make you all too aware of how short life is.
I can only empathise with you on that, I can’t imagine how hard losing your Mum must have been.
My best friend lost her battle with cancer just over a year ago, and it made me really think about what would happen when I go.
I have made my oldest promise me that Blue Oyster Cult’s Don’t Fear the Reaper is played as my coffin is lowered into my final resting place. And he absolutely HAS to pay someone to dress up as the grim reaper, randomly point at someone and just say “you’re next” before walking away.
I know it’s probably in really poor taste, but those who know me the best will just laugh at the ridiculousness of it.
Thank you for writing this. I definitely think this is something that should be talked about and that we should relieve them of this burden.
Thank you for reading. It will always be hard to talk about but it really can help x
This is a very deep and thought provoking post indeed. I don’t want my fake relatives on my day to say good things about me and shed fake tears. People suddenly become precious for the haters too once they die. I don’t understand this. I belong to Hinduism, but I believe in spirituality and I read all holy books to gain knowledge and all says the same thing. Social norms divided it. Great post!
Thank you so much for reading. I completely agree there. We are so programmed to be overly nice when someone passes away, even if it is not how we felt when they were alive. It’s very sad x
Wow Claire, what a post. I’ve not thought MUCH about all of this – being only 27. But as horrible as it sounds, I do have a fleeting thought sometimes that I don’t know what my parents would want because we’ve never spoken about it. I guess though if you really know a person, you know they’d trust you to make the decisions because you know deep down what they’d want.
My Granddads funeral last year made me really happy because I know it’s exactly what he would have wanted. No muss or fuss. Some laughs, good music and a small service. I don’t think it’s something anyone spoke about with him either because he had a severe stroke when I was little so he wasn’t able to communicate properly after that.
But as always, you’ve given me a lot to think about. It’s nice to see a blogger talking about such important and difficult things too. We shy away from these conversations so much x
I definitely find these conversations a bit morbid however I agree that it is so important to have them. With my parents, I feel like we have ad hoc conversations about death quite frequently. A song might come on the radio and comment is made or something on the TV might prompt a comment. I think I prefer this to sitting down and having a formal chat.
They are definitely the easiest ways to have these conversations. I suppose it is about making the most of those littles moments and holding on to what people say x x
Such an important conversation to have for sure, even though it’s not easy. Over the years i have heard snippets of what my parents would want at the time, here and there and they’re both so different in how they want things! Personally, something I really like the idea of is no black at a funeral 🙂
Me too, I think life should be celebrated, I don’t want people in black at all x x
Amazing post.
My partner is twice my age, and as much as we hate to admit his mortality, we know I’m going to be the one to arrange his funeral. It’s been a topic of conversation recently and I know what he wants… he also knows what I want if the unexpected happens.
It’s incredibly hard but I’m glad you’ve had those conversations x
This is such a beautiful post. I broke down reading it but it’s all so true. Thanks for sharing ❤
Thank you so much, I am so sorry it made you cry x x
Yes, these are very difficult conversations to have. I think that topic can be brought up in a casual conversation when discussing a funeral you just attended or an article you just read (this is when I often hear people say ‘I do not like that’ or ‘I think that was such a special thing they did’). Right now, the idea of dying when my kids are still so young terrifies me and gives me anxiety at times. So it’s a very difficult for me to even think about.
I live in a constant state of fear about my own mortality since losing my Mum, she lost her parents young and was convinced she would die young. I have to really be rational about it because I don’t think her mindset helped her at all and I don’t want to follow her in that way.
But I agree, these conversations can be very casual and usually prompted by personal experience.
Thank you for reading Marta x
It certainly isn’t an easy topic to discuss but is oh so important
Oh this is such a thought provoking post and it’s something that we shouldn’t be worried to talk about. We have always been very open and honest with our daughter when it comes to talking about death.
Yes I have as well and I have to say my Son dealt with my Mums passing so well and I think it’s down to not keeping anything from him x
This one really touched a chord in my heart! My dad is getting on up there, closer to 80 years young. He’s not the same spry man even from a few years back. Such a warhorse though. I have not even spoken to him about what he wants in terms of funeral. I am still the little girl on that issue, I am tearing up now thinking about it. I guess prepaid burial plan would be the best for that, i would not even have to think of anything related if/when the time comes for laying him to rest.
It breaks my heart to think about it but it’s their one final wish and I think it’s so important that we can give them that x
What a well written, personal and thought-provoking post. I agree that such conversations are very important… but usually don’t happen. I myself haven’t thought through my own wishes, but my family knows that organ donation is something close to my heart, especially as I have received a cornea donation myself.
My Mum was able to donate her cornea’s. I’m so pleased you received those organs from someone.
That is the one thing I make sure I tell anyone. Even the midwife when I was in labour… just in case!
My husband and I have been married for nearly 7 years but I don’t think either of us could say what we would want. This is something to think about.
It’s certainly a difficult one to start but actually it can be a really positive and eye opening experience xb
I’m sorry that you lost your mum, I can imagine talking about your own funeral when you realise it’s coming is very difficult. I have spoken a lot about my wishes with my partner and I know his too, but this post has made me realise that I have no idea what other family members like my dad or sister might want.
Thank you Rachael. It is so important that we can be open especially with our partners z
I’m only 23, so of course this is not something that ever really crosses my mind with most of the people around me being so young too. But I suffered my first loss this summer when a close friend passed away unexpectedly in an accident. I’d never lost anyone before this point, and had never been to any type of funeral services. I’m not religious so I don’t understand the religious aspects behind it, but the part about the services that hit me the hardest was the open casket viewing. I told my boyfriend I would never ever want that if it was me. I know that some find it comforting, but for me it was just crushing. My last memory with my friend was from only hours before he died and was a great one, laughing so hard. I felt like this robbed me of my last memory with him and when I thought about him I would remember the viewing instead of him being so alive and happy the last time we saw each other. Obviously he had no choice in the matter either as I’m sure it was never something discussed, but after that I wanted to make sure that people knew what I would want. Experiencing that made it really important to me to ensure that people could keep their own last memories of me.
I am so sorry that you lost your friend and had to experience this.
We don’t have open casket in the UK very often but this is because funerals take weeks to take place.
Our own experiences of death and funerals will often make it easier to talk about what we want x
I talk about my wishes enough that my family may think I’m hiding a secret illness! Super important to talk about and plan for.
I have to say this made me giggle a little Elease! I’m so glad you talk about it though x
I agree that it is important to have these important conversations while you still can. Whenever my children ask me a challenging question I try to answer as honestly as possible. I figure if they are capable of asking than they are capable of processing the answer. Death is a hard subject, but it needs to be talked about because it is inevitable and has such a huge affect.
I completely agree. I think talking openly has really helped my son almost by-pass the heartache of losing his beloved Nanny. He has been so mature and reasoned in the way he has dealt with it x
Such a powerful and thought provoking piece. As a fighter of the Big C it is sadly a conversation I have inadvertently had on and off since I was diagnosed 15 years ago. I have (thankfully!) outlived all expectations and I am in the process of trying to make the best of my lengthy borrowed time. In the mean time though, my thoughts and opinions on it all have changed. Something until now I had not really considered. Thank you so much for such an amazing piece of writing. So sorry to hear of your Mums passing too,
H x
Thank you so much Helen. I am so pleased that you managed to kick the big C for so many years x
That’s such a great post. I lost my sister when I was 8 (36 years ago) and I hated her funeral being so stuffy and bleak but times were different back then. My sister in law is an alternative funeral director (she hates that term) and an end of life doula and I had no idea about all the wonderful things you can do with funerals and that it can be exactly what you want it to be. It’s so important to talk about these things because it’s the one thing we know for certain will happen to us all at some point and we can make it something very special xx
I have never heard of an end of life doula, makes complete sense. An opposite to a birth doula. I am sure she has my the end so much easier for lots of people x
Yes, I think you should have these conversations with someone. At the very minimum write it down and give it to your loved ones. When my mom died I did exactly what she asked me to do. Honestly her friends were aggravated with me. Well it’s not their funeral. Difficult topic.
Too right! Some people feel the need to air their unwanted and unsolicited views x
I have only just made a will for myself and its something I put off for years! My eldest is nearly 7 and my youngest almost 2 so I knew I had to have ‘that’ conversation with my partner. I’m glad I have made my will now but death is such a difficult topic to talk about!
It’s really hard but a will is a great starting point for that conversation x
I think we should talk about these things. Being able to do the last act of giving someone what they want I think is important in the grieving process for those left behind x
It is so important to make their last wish a reality x
This post is an Eye Opener for most of us. It’s so true that we don’t find enough courage to talk about ‘Death’ thing with our loved ones. But, it’s an inevitable truth, and everyone has to experience it. Thanks for sharing this deep insight.
Thank you so much for reading x
Thank you for sharing, it’s such a difficult conversation to have isn’t it, but also one of the most important! I think I would need to prepare a lot for it though x
Thank you Serin, its very hard but so worthwhile x x
Wow this post is amazing on so many levels! I love the clarity it brought to me as well. These conversations are hard for sure but so cery important. Thank you for bringing so much light to them. I appreciate your honesty in your words!
Thank you so much for your kind words Jody, it means a lot to know that people can connect to this post x
I don’t think it is morbid – and in some way posts like this help immensely to normalise what really is part of life especially the ‘death’ stuff – it isn’t ever going to be easy but we have to be able to speak about it – and of course there will always be things we can’t speak about easily too.
Thank you so much. I hope it does prompt people to open up x
Fantasic post. I only had my first real ‘death chat’ with my mum recently as she wanted to talk time about her will. I found it incredibly awkward as the thought of her passing terrifies me but these conversations need to happen somehow.
Thank you, they are without a doubt horrible, but they really have so much value. Hold your Mum tight x x
It really is such a taboo subject, despite the fact we all know it happens! I’m quite open about what I want, even down to the music for my entrance. So much goes unsaid and it only causes stress, take the worry about by talking about it! Sim x
Thank you Sim. I completely agree. It is such a difficult time, that this can really help x
It is a subject I try not to have, but with older parents it is one you have to have as you want to do your best for your loved ones. As well as all the other things you need to do. It is a tough conversation but one we all need to have
This is such an important conversation to have with loved ones but we all find it so difficult, so taboo to do so. It is definitely a conversation we should all be more open to having.
I do wish more people were open to having these conversations. The reality is, we all die, but many of us are not ready to face that fact. I think you made very good points, hopefully this is eye-opening to your readers.
Thank you so much Emmy. I really hope you’re right x x
I think it’s so important to have the difficult conversations to encourage people and make sure they know they can talk about anything x
Oh my reading this really touched me, it is so important to be open about anything. Brilliant post. Thanks for sharing. x
Thank you Leila x x
This is indeed a very difficult topic and I personally am not ready to talk about it yet. I still have the pain of losing someone very dear to me, and I just can’t think about death.
As difficult and emotional as these conversations are, they certainly need to be had. My friend lost her mum suddenly last year and it spurred me into having conversations with my own mum about the things she would like etc.
I’m ever so sorry to hear about your mum . Definitely not morbid , but an eye opener and the more we talk about it the less scary ( I hope) it all feels x
Ahh – this really touched home with me as sooner rather than later we will have to have one of those talks with out children.
Never an easy thing to do x
Such a lovely post. I bet it was a hard one to write.
I’m not looking forward to some of these conversations like when the time comes to say goodbye to my parents. My dad isn’t in the best bill of health and hate to even think about it.
One conversation I dread though and which isn’t death related but the difficult conversation of periods with my daughter. Both my partner and I are dreading this one.
Oh god yes! That is not a fun one. I have 2 step daughters So I kind of hope Mum deals with that but I bet the eldest will start them early and at 9, I don’t think it is far off for her sadly.
Sorry to hear about your Dad. They are such a worry. It’s funny, you don’t notice the change from being the child to almost becoming the parent for them x