Learning how to survive and support the 5 stages of grief is hugely important. Both for your own recovery and also helping other’s in theirs. Having the tools, knowing the process though, doesn’t mean grief is over. It’s a forever journey.
How grief hits you
Yesterday afternoon, having spent the day with my Dad, I got home and looked at a picture of my Mum. For the first time since she passed away I realised I had forgotten she had died. This feeling hit me so hard, I was not expecting to ever have a moment where I forgot what had happened. It is too huge to forget surely? I wondered if it is because it is finally becoming real to me, until now it felt like it can’t possibly be true, something that happens to other people. Not to our family.
Yesterday, faced with the reality that it did happen. I felt like I was right back at the beginning of the grieving process again. I wondered if I was strong enough to do this again. Maybe it was a fleeting moment and I just needed to ride the storm for a moment and accept that it is normal to feel this way.
We don’t talk about grief though, treat it like a taboo subject. No one wants to admit to feeling weak, or feeling sad all the time. And the reality is, that until you’ve experienced it, you can’t even begin to understand how it feels or what it is really like.
We are probably all aware of the 5 steps of grief even if we have never had to experience them. But what do these stages really feel like and can we help ourselves or let others support us.
How to survive and support the 5 stages of grief
“When you experience loss, people say you’ll move through the 5 stages of grief….
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance
….. What they don’t tell you is that you’ll cycle through them all every day.”
― Ranata Suzuki
1.Shock and Denial
This is a very obvious one, of course we are in shock. You can’t put a time scale on this one though. It feels as if it should be an immediate emotion but this one is long lasting, as yesterday proved to me. I remain in denial all the time, otherwise I would simply not have ‘forgotten’.
But how can I help myself here? Should I sit down and think about all that came before the moment she passed. Re-live it all to understand why she is not here anymore.
Her body was broken, Cancer had seen to that. She had no fight left and I need to accept that that is OK. It is almost selfish to expect anything more from her. Although it all happened so quickly, we now know that she had been suffering for many years. She fought so hard for such a long time, unaware what she was fighting.
And honestly, thinking like that really does give me some much need perspective. I felt cheated. Shock led me to forget all reasonable thought.
2. Anger and Guilt
Anger and guilt are 2 emotions I was totally unfamiliar with before but they soon became almost a comfort to me.
I was bloody angry! Angry about everything. The slightest thing was enough to tip me over the edge. Sadly this is still the case at times. I can’t keep my cool as I could before. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go all Bruce Banner every 5 minutes. Instead I quietly rage to myself. Things I’d of let go of before, I now stew on. And I hate it. I don’t like feeling angry, it doesn’t sit comfortably with me, it is not who I am.
Then the guilt that consumes me. I feel that it is unfair on myself, unfair on those around me but unfair to Mum. She didn’t know me as an angry person. But she was the person I went to when I did feel any kind of rage and she would diffuse it easily. But now she is the reason why I feel it building up over the most ridiculous things. But I remind myself it isn’t ridiculous, it is normal to feel angry. One of the people who meant the most to me was taken from me, damn right I am going to be cross about it.
I talked about guilt in another post about those initial days and weeks from cancer to saying goodbye. The guilt isn’t just about feeling angry, it is guilt about everything. Feeling Happy, sad, angry, being alive when she isn’t.
How do I process these feelings?
I write it down, usually to Mum in a journal and I simply have to move on or the guilt kicks in again and consumes me. I write about it on here, I don’t often post as much as I would like to about it. But it is written down and that is usually enough.
3. Bargaining
I am lucky, or maybe not, that I haven’t experienced this too much. There are times when I question why I am here and why she is not and what I could do to change that. What I could sacrifice to have her back. But I feel the logical part of me understands that this can’t happen and that by living a life of what if’s really is not healthy for me or to Mum’s memory.
4. Sadness
Now this is of course inevitable. You can’t experience loss without feeling sadness. God if I lose my phone for a second I feel bereft.
Nothing can really prepare you for the sadness you feel all the time. Even in the happiest of moments its there, lurking, taunting you almost. A constant reminder that life will never not be just a little sadder than it was before.
How do I manage this?
I accept it. I take a moment to be consumed by it before I carry on with my day. There are times where it barely seems to be there. But there are others where you just feel like you can’t carry on.
Take Mothers Day for example. I was so convinced that by NOT celebrating I would by-pass all negative feelings towards the day. How very wrong I was. All I did was delay the inevitable. The week following was painful, it threw me of course completely. Threatening to undo all the hard work I’d gone through to see a light at the end of the tunnel.
I cried, I didn’t eat, I lay in bed, I went to work but had no real connection to it or even memory of being there. I held it together when I had to and fell apart as soon as I could. I was distant and cold but I knew I needed to let myself take this time without guilt. Accept that it was okay to feel like this, normal in fact. And that it wasn’t undoing anything, it was simply feeling. In reality, I knew that it would pass and I needed to allow myself to take this time.
It isn’t often I feel like this and I do tend to stay quite closed off about it with friends and family because it is easier than accepting you need help. The support that week reminded me of those early days. Well -wishes via text from friends, kind words from people and finding the ability to be open about how I felt.
5. Acceptance
I now understand that it is OK to feel all of the above, to continue to feel it. To miss her like I could never quite imagine. To accept that I will constantly feel her loss as something fresh and so raw.
Accepting that is OK to need help from time to time, to be open about how shit it can be. How awful it makes you feel. What I’ve learnt to accept is how time is now measured. As in before she died and since she died. Like two separate stages of my life. Thinking of it like this makes it somehow easier to process.
There is no doubt that losing a parent changes you. You’re a little sadder and carry a weight with you at all times. But when you’re happy, you feel truly blessed. I am beyond lucky to have so many wonderful years with my Mum. I’m lucky to call her my Mum.
Losing a loved one gives you a new perspective on life. One you’d not choose granted but it is there all the same. All I can hop now is that I hold Mum close in all I do. Maybe help others who are on this journey as well. While continuing to accept that it is OK to not be OK all of the time.
My tips for getting through darker days
1. Write it down, Put down how you feel in that moment and leave it behind you for now. Even if it is just enough to get you through the day
2. Be Kind to yourself, do not let guilt kick in and make you feel like you have any reason to feel that way.
3. No matter how busy life is, remember that self-care is so important. Take a bath, snuggle up on the sofa in front of a weepy film. Have an extra glass of wine/gin/chocolate bar. Whatever it is just take some time for you.
4. Cry. Sometimes it is all we need to be able to get on with our day. There is no shame in it at all and it really can make you feel better.
5. Open up, talk to someone. I know my partner appreciates it when I tell him how I am really feeling.
6. Accept that this is a life long process and while it will get easier, there will always be an occasion, a holiday or any other trigger that will completely floor you.
7. Accept help, understand that it is okay to not be able to do it all right away.
8. Enjoy the happiness where ever it comes and in whatever form
9. Think about them fondly as much as possible. Rather than just focusing on them not being here.
10. Understand it is completely normal to feel the way you do
How can you support those who are grieving?
When I first lost Mum, I remember someone saying to me, Take your time now as in 6 months time people’s sympathy will no longer remain. I’m reading more and more that people who have lost someone special are being told they should ‘get over it’. And I think this proves what my colleague said to me, sympathy has a timescale to it.
I understand that, if we all felt sadness for someone that had lost a loved one, no one would ever be happy. And that’s not a world any of us what to live in. But I do think it is really important to remember that there are no fixed timescales. There is no deadline as to when people should feel better and in reality it won’t ever go away.
If you can understand that then I think you will be able to offer support to people in the best way possible. We don’t need you to tread on eggshells around us, we just need you to be supportive of us. And its not asking you to be there every minute of every day, it is about knowing we can call on you when we need to. Having a safe place to talk about how we feel without fear of being told to ‘Get over it’.
Tips to offer support
1. Be there, even if from a distance
2. Talk to us about your world, We really do want to know what is going on with you too
3. Be kind
4. Be patient
5. Don’t expect too much
6. If they push you away, realise that it is not intentional
7. We want to laugh, we want to smile, so send the meme or the inappropriate joke, It just might help!
8. Understand that the stages of grief will come and go, but that just because it is written down as such does not mean it is as straight forward as its made out to be.
9. Talk about our loved one, we don’t want it to become the unspeakable. Especially if that person meant something to you as well
10. Love us as you always did because we love you back in just the same way we always did.
Does any of this sound true to your own journey or that of a loved one? Is there any way that you would say you could Survive and support the 5 stages of grief?
What a wonderful article Claire, thank you so much for sharing this so honestly. I recently lost a dear friend to cancer and really appreciated reading your story. Wishing you lots if strength
Thank you so much, so sorry for the loss of your friend x x
Hugs to you, Claire. I’m so sorry for the loss of your Mom….Thanks for sharing this information with us; it’s personal and also relatable for others who have trudged through the grieving process.
Thank you Mya, I’m so sorry to hear about your friend 💕
Sorry just realised this posted on the wrong comment, but thank you so much for your kind words x
Great information on the grieving process! My grandma has been gone for years now, but every February (the month she died) I feel like I need to rush to the hospital. It’s almost like it’s happening all over again so I completely understand how you felt. Thank you for sharing this!
I know what you mean, every time I drive down the motorway now I remember making the journey on Mums final day x
I am on the grief train after looking my son 🙁 I think I’m finally on #5 but get waves of the others.
My heart is here with you!
Wauw so brave of you to shared this and im sure it will help other people too!
Xoxo Annaleid
You’re so right. It is taboo to talk about death. I felt quite rebellious when my grandparents died and would tell people quite honestly how I was feeling. Your honesty and insight on the process is exactly the type of writing that can help people to feel safer to talk. I hope your cycles keep bringing you closer to that acceptance and a day when you’ve forgotten her death but remember her with love.
Thank you so much. We really should be more honest about grieving and how we feel x
I can’t tell you how much I needed to read some of this- thank you so much for sharing!
Thank you so much for reading x x
I’m sorry for the loss of your mom. Thank you for talking about the stages of grief. You’re right that people don’t want to talk about it, but we should because it is a normal part of life. I experienced this when my grandfather died in 2001 and although time has made it easier, I still miss him and wish he could have met my daughter. In February, my cat passed away. His death was unexpected and he suffered a lot in the last hours of his life. Sometimes the guilt and what ifs are unbearable. The stages of grief are very much the same and I still have not reach the acceptance stage.
Yes, psychologist roggers gave these stages. I am so sorry for your loss. Definitely in starting it’s tough to even accept that it has even happened. Coming to accept and heal is a long journey.
It’s a massive journey, one I feel will never truly be over x x
Oh yeah, it does. Reading this so much reminds me of 2014, when I suffered my very first heart-break in life….the girl I loved so much called it off like that; no explanations or fore-word given and I was so broken. It hurt a lot…and by that, I mean a lot but it’s all good now. I guess I arrived at the “acceptance stage” just in time.
Thank you for sharing.
It’s so easy to forget that all loss brings with it grief. I am glad you’ve reached acceptance x
I think the biggest thing I find with grieving and people trying to be supportive is that people really have no idea how to act or what to do. I know from personal experience and from friends that talking about a loved one who has passed can bring back so much joy and comfort knowing they have not become an obstacle to avoid. You have so many great tips for people who are not sure what to do. I also believe that everyone goes through these stages at completely different intervals and even another loss may be dealt with completely different by the same person. Grief is unpredictable and we sometimes go back to different stages. Most importantly I think your post reminds us all that there is no set way no set time and no handbook that can tell you how to grieve. Sending you much love hun. ❤️
Thank you so much 💕 I think accepting that this journey is ongoing is a huge step in accepting that however a person feels is completely normal x
There are so many aspects of this that I could relate to – the biggest for me was that everybody‘s timescale for grief is different. Somehow, we convince ourselves that we should be better after a particular period of time, but out of the blue, something will get us and we need to take a moment. I guess the message is, take the moment, because you need it.
Oh very much so, I can have a good week and feel like I can see the light but just one small thing can send me in to a spiral.
Time is a healer for sure but there can never be a timescale to it I think x
What a fantastic post. I recently mentioned the stages of grief in one of my posts. However, I didn’t go into detail or give advice like you. This is a must share!
Thank you Claire, such wisdom and honesty. Thank you for my safe place with you guys xxx
I call the five stages of grief a xylophone. When I am grieving I dance up and down the 5 stages all day. I do not do them sequentially, the way you are “supposed to.”
That’s such a good analogy! There is no such thing as a normal way to grief, I’m learning that the hard way x
Again Claire words I can totally relate to and feelings I have personally felt, also finding it hard to accept, understand and deal with.
I to experienced something over the weekend and have struggled with the emotions and feelings that came with it. But reading this has reassured me that it’s ok, it’s normal and I’m not the only one that feels that way while grieving the loss of the person who gave us life. Xx
Thank you for reading Rhian. It’s so hard to keep going sometimes but it helps to know that we are not in this alone. If you ever want a chat I’m here xx
A great post. I’m very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad, my whole world as I knew it, in 2011. I still have a hard time, not a day goes by that i donf think about him. I always have someone he knew saying it to me as well. He was a great guy, 1 of a kind. It’s very nice to hear he touched so many by his larger than life personality, his kindness & such pure soul.
Thank you x so sorry for your loss. What lovely things to hear about your Dad though. People said similar about my Mum but that seems to have stopped now as I think people are scared to talk about her in case it upsets me x
Thanks for sharing. My fiance recently lost his best friend unexpectedly. I have never seen a grown man cry the way he did that day. I had no idea how to support him, for I have never lost a close friend or family member, and reached out to my own family and friends of how I can better love and serve him during that time. The number one thing people suggested was just to be there. Listen when he needed to talk, make funny faces across the room when he was barely looking, and hold his hand when he needed it. Great read, thanks.
I am so sorry your husband went through that. It’s heartbreaking to see our loved one in pain like that.
Thank you 💕
I think you never get over it, you just get used to it. Next week will be 11 years that my mom is gone, she died right before Mother’s day, I think it was her way of making sure we never forget her. 🙂 Thanks for the tips!
A beautiful post! <3
Stupendous post, Claire. I saw you just followed my old blog. I no longer post to that one. My new one is http://www.susandolphindelaney.com. I’d love if you would follow my living blog!
Thank you Susan. I’ll pop over now x x
Claire, just reread your post. It is just wonderful. When I grieve I run up and down the xylophone of the five notes of grief all day every day. “They” speak of grief as if you work your way from one step to another. In my psychiatry office I have a kiddie xylophone with five notes, each labeled with one stage of grief. A week never passes that I don’t pull it out and tell a patient how I grieve, hitting each step several times a day. Right now I am grieving the loss of ALL GRAINS in my diet. I am dancing on that xylophone! I wish I could post its photo here! And thanks for following my living blog.
That is exactly it. From living it, I can see that each stage is correct but if it was as simple as just working through 5 steps and done it would be great but it is just as you described x
As I am just working through grief now I can admit that I seem to be accepting. When my grandfather was diagnosed I bargained, I was angry and I fought with my shadow about trying to get him help. When he came home it there was hope as he didn’t appear to get worse the first few days. Then, in the final weeks, there was pain as I watched him grow weaker. Now there is relief and acceptance that he is at peace.
I have discovered that no one person grieves the same as another, and it really is a journey we all take by ourselves.
I wish you all the best and thank you for writing this.
– Nyxie
Thank you, grief is so uniform in that the stages are so correct but you’re right in that it affects us all so differently.
Take care of you 💕
So sorry to hear of losing your mum. I lost my mum 11 years ago and even though we didn’t have a great relationship it was bloody hard. Even now I think silly things, like how only she knew a certain recipe and if only I could ask her. These are great tips. The best is just to take each day as it comes, and to be there if someone wants to talk. They might not, but to know they have someone to talk to is really important.
Thank you so much. I am so sorry for your loss. It’s only when you’ve lost your Mum that you realise just how much you need them for al those silly little things.
I always go to pick up the phone x
Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. There are no words that will make it easier, but hopefully time will provide some healing. I think grief is one of the hardest things anyone can go through and your tips for support are so helpful, thank you 🙂
Thank you so much.
It is the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced, if I can help others see that there is hope then I will always share my story x. X
It will always be so hard to get over the death of a loved one. A friend of mine lost both her parents close together, one of them on Boxing Day, I felt so awful for her, she is very good at sharing her feeling about it all. x
Sharing really does make all the difference I think, and rightly or wrongly sharing with ‘strangers’ is so much easier x x
I think grief comes in cycles. You are so brave and strong and I love how you have written about it.
Thank you so much Mandi x x
It’s been two years since I lost my mum. Most days are now ok but every so often there’s a trigger that sets me off
There is always some trigger that sends you in to a spiral.
I’m so sorry for your loss x
It was never easy to overcome the pain after losing someone. This post might be helpful for someone who is grieving right now.
Thank you so much for reading x
This is one of my fear, losing someone who I really love. I really don’t know how it feels like but praying that this will not happen to me. Though death is natural and I am not ready.
We are never ready but sadly it is inevitable.
It breaks your heart but life does get easier x
Sending lots of hugs Claire. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s very generous and brave of you to put your thoughts out on the different stages of grief. It definitely hits everyone differently and for different time lengths. Xx
Thank you Annette x x
I am very sorry for your loss, it’s so generous of you to write posts like this as it helps others so much and allows them to learn it’s ok to feel the way they do.
This is such a useful post, and one day we will all need. My mum hasn’t been very well of late and I am always playing the possible grief through my mind.
I hope your Mum is ok, sending love x
I am sorry to hear of your loss. It can hit you at the most unexpected times, can’t it
Great post! You are right with it being taboo which is so odd when it will effect all of us at some time in our lives. I’m sorry for your loss x
Thank you Jenni x
Losing someone close can be so hard, I struggled when I lost my Dad at 19 and I know I really just had to almost take a year off from “normality” and not pressure myself to feel okay
Laura x
So sorry for your loss x x
Really inspiring.
I’m sorry for your loss and may her soul rest in peace.
These are valid points and thanks for sharing it although the pains
Thank you so much Jeffrey x
Thank you for sharing. I imagine a lot of people will find this helpful at the minute.
Grief is a funny emotion in that you don’t know when you will hit you or how you will process it until you are experiencing it.