Losing your Mum is the hardest thing in the world and will leave you wondering how to survive Mothers day, every single year.
What Mothers day means to me
I think Mothers day was my favourite celebration. It was a family day without the stress or expectation’s of Christmas and without the excessive chocolate of Easter
We’d celebrate at Mum and Dad’s. Dinner was always something we’d all enjoy, something we could make together so neither Mum or I were tied to the kitchen.
Sometimes we’d play a game in the afternoon, part-take in a little silly snapchat or simply watch a film together.
But my favourite thing about Mother’s day was a tradition that began in 2010. Each year we’d take a new set of pictures. We’d try to do similar shots each year and it was great to see some of the changes, especially with F.
We only missed one year in 9 and to this day they are some of my most treasured pictures.
Reminders everywhere
Every where I turn, every shop I go to, each time I open my emails, log in to facebook or twitter or instagram, I am reminded that Mother’s day is just round the corner.
All the cards and gifts that line the aisle’s just act as a constant reminder that I don’t have to buy one this year.
That there won’t be a new picture to add to the collection.
Mum and I won’t cook together, we won’t spend the afternoon doing nothing at all.
I have so many wonderful memories of this special day but I am so aware that there are no such memories to make with Mum now.
Abraham Lincoln
All that I am or ever hope to be, I owe to my angel mother
How to survive Mothers day
So what do I do this year? How do I get through the first of many without her?
I know as a Mum myself I should celebrate. My Children should be able to take part in this day with me. I am a Mum after all. But I am not sure I can this year.
Then the good old grief guilt kicks in and tells me I am being selfish but maybe this time I am allowed to be selfish. Maybe it is acceptable to think of myself this time. Be kind to myself and do whatever feels right. But what feels right? I am not sure.
Part of me thinks that doing what we always did is a good idea. That way my Dad still gets to celebrate the day, we can take the pictures, eat nice food and share the day. But I worry that her absence will be the overriding memory of the day.
Do I pretend it is just another day? Spend the Sunday in the normal way, housework, dinner and chill or should we pack up for the day and head of somewhere new?
I’ve tried telling myself to stop overthinking this. I’m hardly the first person to be in this situation. I know there are too many of us that share in this pain. I’m also reliably informed that although it will get a little easier year after year, the effect remains very much the same. Great news huh?!
For the first year without her we decided to go and see some large rocks courtesy of Stonehenge. Dad came along with us and it was a new experience for us all. Somewhere we have never been before and so far removed from the norm.
Raising a glass
How do I acknowledge Mum though? I have spent a lot of time thinking about this and I have come up with a few ideas.
My Brother actually came up with this one so a nod to him. I’ll write a Mothers day card for Mum as I would any other year. Inside I’ll write an update, fill her in on what has been happening and then seal it up and put it in her memory box. I’ll date the envelope. We can do this each year and it will become a bit of a yearly diary.
I am also going to buy a plant for my garden, something she would love to receive. That way year after year I can add to it and it will act as constant reminder of her.
I will make sure I take some time for me. Recently I’ve been on a bit of a high but I am beginning to feel the inevitable low coming as the day gets closer, so this year I am going to be kind to myself, spend a little time with myself, doing something nice.
I’ll also start sorting pictures with F to start his memory book. Something we can work on together which I hope will help him deal with the day.
I will make sure all of those in my life that are Mum’s know how special they are as well.
I don’t want to forget this day, a day to celebrate these amazing Women in our lives is well-deserved.
We should celebrate them all the time, in fact we should let them know just how much they mean to us every single day.
Because believe me when I say I wish I could have my time all over again and tell her even more just how special she is to me.
2020 Update
When I wrote this post last year, I really thought I had it all sorted. I’d distract myself from all things Mothers Day and it would be fine.
In reality what actually happened is that I was able to distract temporarily but was then thrown in to a huge downward spiral.
A spiral which I hadn’t felt for a long time. This dark cloud descended and refused to lift.
I wasn’t able to think straight and every little thing became overwhelming.
It was probably the hardest point since losing her. I didn’t ask for help or even look for it. I knew what had caused it and I felt I had to ride the storm so to speak.
During this time, all I wanted was for Mum to come back. As if it was simply as easy as her being on the other side of the world or at the local shop.
The second year approaches
Now as I am faced with the month of March again I can feel that uncertainty creeping in.
I am still completely unsure how it is best to handle this day. Do I accept that it is going to be hard and not try to put strategies in to place this time around?
Allow myself to feel every moment of it and accept that it is OK. It is normal to feel this way and that pushing these feelings aside, I am hurting myself in the long run.
If that means that I have to shut down for the day, that is exactly what I will do. I will embrace all the things I tried so hard to avoid last year.
My promise to myself
Here is what I promise I will do this year
- Allow myself to feel
- I won’t stop my tears
- Talk about her
- I will take the pictures
- Make the nice food
- Celebrate her
- Be kind to myself
- Take my time
- Let my children celebrate the day
I hope by putting less pressure on myself to ignore the day, I will in turn survive the day and the weeks that follow.
How will you be surviving Mothers day without her here?
What a lovely post. I am sorry about the loss of your mother, and I appreciate your honesty about your grief. I love to picture you and your family at Stonehenge, making a fun new memory this year. I also love that you are doing things to cherish your mother’s memory but also choosing things (like a new plant in your garden) that are forward-moving. I hope you have a good mother’s day. —Paige Bainbridge (paigebainbridge.com)
Thank you so much Paige. It’s always a gamble being so open so I really appreciate your comment x
This is so great and thattradition.
Thank you so much for your kind words. It is a constant feeling of something being missing. 😍
I can’t even imagine how hard mother’s Day is for you, this is a beautiful posts and I can relate in some sense because I feel similarly on father’s Day. Sending love x
Thank you. I think any special day without them is so very hard, sending love right back at ya xx
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry for your loss. I love your ideas about recognizing other mothers, even when you have lost your own.
We have to show love to those that are dear to us x x
Love your idea of planting a garden. What a lovely tribute. My mom will be celebrating her first mothers day without her mom this year as well. I will be sharing your post with her. <3 Thank you for sharing your heart.
Thank you for reading, hope it goes as well as it can for your Mum x
What you’re feeling is normal. It will never be easy losing someone. I think going to see the Stonehenge will be wonderful for you and your family. Enjoy every minute of it and think that you’re Mom is just watching you guys. She will be ecstatic up in heaven to see you be happy.
Thank you, it’s so easy to think you’re alone but there are so many people feeling exactly the same x x
I have written my Mum a card every mother’s day since her passing, it makes going into shops that are filled with Mother’s Day memorabilia that little bit easier, even if you are writing a card for your angel mother. I lost my mum 5 years ago and reading your post makes me want to get out and do something this mother’s day instead of locking myself away like every other year, thank you so much for sharing this with us, and I will be thinking of you on Mothering Sunday xxx
Thank you Becca. I hope whatever you do you can have a good day. Sending love x x
This is a really touching post and I don’t think there’s any right or wrong way to celebrate or not celebrate Mother’s Day if your Mother is no longer here with you. I think whatever you do, it needs to feel right for you and just know that whatever you decide, is the right decision. I can’t even comprehend the feeling of losing my mum and I’m so sorry for your loss. It’ll be over before you know it <3
Jenny in Neverland
Thank you Jenny, roll on Monday 💕
It’s really hard and sending lots of love to you as I think the first one is always the worst one. In our family, we remember our lost loved ones by doing something they loved, together. For my Grandfather, it was as simple as having a game of cluedo. We also do little visits such as having afternoon tea in my husband’s grandmother’s favourite hotel. It’s just a little thing but we find it helps us to make them feel a little closer.
I like the idea of creating new memories from old ones. A lovely idea x x
Such a lovely post, so heartfelt. I know all too well the emotions you are going through. We lost my Dad to Leaukaemia and last year was my first Father’s Day without him. I struggled. The date also fell on my eldest ‘s 4th birthday so I was hit with a double whammy of what he was missing. The card is a great idea and one I might steal. Thanks for sharing such a emotional post.
I’m so sorry for your loss. The first of everything is so hard, I just have to hold on to the good times x x
Aww I love this tradition it’s so interesting to see how you’ve changed over the years! Definitely some great memories being created there.
It is fun to look back at x x
I love what you are planning to do to remember your Mum on Mothers Day. I have a new bundle, baby number 3 who is 5 months old so I planning a quiet day in with lots of cuddles! xxx
That sounds like the perfect day, baby cuddles are so good for the soul as well x x
I’m dreading this time coming for me, we too always celebrate together so it will leave a big hole. I’m hoping I’ve got lots more years before it happens.
Enjoy every moment x x
This is such a sweet post, I love that you are remembering her this way. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you Kerri x x
I can only imagine how hard Mother’s Day is without her. But the series of photos of your family are so wonderful, and something you will all treasure forever♥️
They are some of my favourites x
I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. With this being the first year, I can imagine it’s going to be difficult, but you sound like you’ve got some brilliant things planned. Mother’s day isn’t something we’ve ever really celebrated as a family, but I do little things to show my mum (and dad) that I appreciate them throughout the year instead, so it equals out.
It was just always such a lovely day. Time to make it special for other reasons x x
This is such a touching post and I can’t imagine not having my mom here so I’m sending you so much love. It’s lovely that you are going to buy a plant, I think that’s a really great idea. The first of everything is so hard and I’ll be wishing Sunday goes fast for you 💕
Samantha | https://samanthajblogs.co.uk
Thank you so much for your kind words Samantha x x
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. You are brave to write about it and it sounds like you have some wonderfully thoughtful ways to honour your mum’s memory on the day. Sending you lots of hugs. It was a very moving post. Xx
Thank you Anita 💕
Beautiful post. I know that it will be hard, but I think starting this new tradition on celebrating your mom with cards is so beautiful. This year is hard for me too. It will be 20 years since I lost her. Sending virtual hugs.
Sending hugs back Marta hope the day is kind to you x x
Stay strong my lovely, I’m forever grateful to come across to your page and this post. Sending hugs xx
Thank you penny x
This is a really fun way to show everyone’s change over the years and to preserve precious memories. Thanks for sharing an awesome suggestion!
So sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how tough it is right now. Such a lovely idea about the cards and the plant. Hope you enjoy your visit to Stonehenge 🙂 X
Thank you so much Sam x x
I am blessed to still have my mom and don’t even want to think about the day that she is no longer with me. But once upon a time, I dreaded Mother’s Day terribly. I suffered several years of infertility before the Lord decided to bless my husband and me with a child. I wanted to be a mother so badly that Mother’s Day was becoming unbearable even though I still celebrated with my own mother and mother-in-love. Even though I have two beautiful children now, I am still very sensitive to those that want a child but cannot have one for whatever reason.
Oh I know how difficult that is as well. I have friends who are in the same situation and I think of them a lot at this time of year x x
I’m so sorry for your loss and I understand the pangs of guilt, but the drive to still be involved and do things for others. I absolutely love the idea of doing something new for you all, while keeping a semi traditional flare with the cards and updates inside. Be gentle on yourself x
Thank you Debbie, I’m almost looking forward to the day now x x
Gentle hugs
So beautifully written! I’m so sorry for your loss. I love the idea of writing a card for your mum, and now that you wrote this, it just makes sense somehow… Hope you have a lovely day at Stonehenge, with your mum in your thoughts as well. Sending hugs!
Thank you 💕
I can’t even begin to imagine how hard it is for you and I am so sorry for your loss. I think whatever way YOU feel you want to note the day is going to be right because there is no wrong when it comes to this. I love your tradition of the family photo – I wish I had thought to do something like that with my lot! 🙂 x
Sarah 🌺 || Boxnip
Thank you Sarah, they are my most favourite pictures x
I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. I think it’s wonderful that you’re going to Stonehenge, and the diary with the cards is lovely idea.
I also love the yearly family photos you took!
– Karalee
Thank you Karalee, they are my favourite pictures x
I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mum. I can’t imagine how hard it is seeing reminder’s of Mother’s Day everywhere you look. I think going somewhere total new is a great idea as you won’t be focusing on the whole “this time last year” stuff.
Debbie #thatfridaylinky
Thank you Debbie. I’m just grateful that Mother’s Day doesn’t fall on the same day each year. It seems easier that it’s moveable! Xx
Mother’s Day and Father’s Day can definitely be a difficult day for a lot of people, I’m sorry to hear about your loss <3 I think the idea of writing a card and putting it away in a memory box is a great idea. This is the first Mother's Day that my mum is without her mum so I know she'll be finding it difficult, but she's having a lovely day in York today with my dad, brother and his fiance! I got to spend Friday with her so she had 2 days of Mother's Day! 🙂
Chloe xx
http://www.chloechats.com
It’s really tough, we are just warming up at Stonehenge and I’ve found not thinking about it to be the best coping mechanism. Glad your mum is having a nice day out x
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This is such a beautiful post! I feel the same, I lost my Mother 3 years ago and it so not easy. It is super shitty not to be able to buy cards and keep up traditions. Also, you deserve to be selfish ALL the time! You’re a mama, and you need just as much love as you are giving out to other mama’s. I am thinking of planting a few plants in my garden and commemorate them to her. Sending love and snuggles, everything will be okay <3
Nanny M x
Thank you, and to you 💕
What a beautiful post! Thank you so much for sharing. We lost my Nan a few years ago so Mother’s Day is always hard. She was my world x
Losing anyone is so incredibly hard x x
Wonderful article. I love the idea a planting a “mum” plant every year in your mum’s honor. My mum died about 40 years ago. She got to come to my med school graduation. She got to come to my wedding. But she, and my dad, died before my daughter was born. I like to think they knew each other in heaven before my daughter came here. One thing I have realized as I have gotten older, I am 71, is that I carry each one of the good people in my life inside of me. At first, after mum died, I’d pretend I was gathering a list of things to talk to her about that evening. I don’t have to do that now. She lives in me. I am a problem solver like her. I have a chocolate soda in her honor now and again. She and I were from different planets, but she was so faithful to me, and I apply this when I have a patient from another planet. She lives on in me. She lives in my 36 year old daughter, from what my daughter learned from that I learned from mum. Thanks for this article.
Thank you so much for reading.
And can I just say you do not look 71!!
What an absolutely beauitful post…yes those of us (im raising my hand over here too) without our Moms know a different kind of sting that we can no longer just pick up the phone and hear her voice. I miss my mom so desperately that sometimes I can’t even go there because the pain is so deep, but for my mom, she lived her last 10 years paralyzed and fighting for every breath so I know for her she is in a much better place, but it doesn’t make my pain any less….grief takes time…give yourself that time…grief is unique and can’t be dictated by anyone or anything (including the clock). It’s OK and good to let your family celebrate you too, so no guilt about that, ok? They are building up great memories of celebrating you just the same way you did your mom 🙂 I think the tradition you came up with is absolutely beautiful. I “write” to my mom often and it’s already been 3 1/2 years since she passed, but it still sometimes feels like yesterday and other times longer. Know that your article is beautiful and needed as are you. Have a beautiful blessed Mothers Day. Hugs 🙂
Thank you so much Susan. There is nothing that comes close to the feeling of not having your Mum around. I am so grateful for the time we had together and all the wonderful memories but I wasn’t ready for my time to be over with her.
You’re so right though about Mother’s Day for my children, I need to let them cherish those moments as I did with my Mum. Thank you.
I hope your Mother’s Day is as special as you x x
Such a beautiful post, thank you for your honesty.
Thank you so much Bekki x
Wishing you a happy Mother’s Day! Beautiful post and lovely lines .
Do find time to to read mine here https://sunniesmybunnies.wordpress.com/2018/05/13/a-letter-to-mom/
Thank you, I will head over and have a read x
Great
Sending you a big hug Claire ❤️
oh lovely, it must be a really hard time to get through. I am so loving the fact you take a picture each year with your kids. I worry if i was gone that my kids wouldn’t have many photos of me so maybe i need to do something like this.
thanks for the idea, biggest of hugs x
Thank you so much Jamie x x
My mum’s been gone since 1991 and I’m sorry to say it but Mother’s day has always been hard. Some years are ok but some I grieve just like it was yesterday. Your plans for this year are perfect. Hope it’s easier for you
Thank you Christina, I am so sorry for your loss. Accepting that it will be hard forever is tough but I think it does help to know x
Your post is going to help so many people, but even if it helps just one, that means the world! I have a friend who just lost her mother, and I’m going to share this with her.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m terrified of the day that I lose my mother, I actually can’t think how I’d cope. You’re so strong for writing a post like this and it will certainly help others in the same situation. Stay strong, surround yourself with loved ones. Caitylis x x
I can’t imagine it lovely but I know it will happen some day. I am just so thankful you have put this into words and I know I will remember this post. Sending lots of love for this year’s Mother’s Day xx
So sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine being without my Mum.
It is very tough. Thank you x
I am so sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine it. I think your photos are wonderful – what a lovely tradition. I really must take more photos of my daughter and I.
I have to make a real effort to be in pictures with my children, I just hate seeing myself in pictures. But I know how much I value every picture of my Mum, I need to give that to my Kids x
Another beautifully written post Claire. There’s no right or wrong way to celebrate or not celebrate Mother’s Day. Although I’m certainly not qualified to give any advice on this. We don’t really “celebrate” Mother’s Day. But I always like to spoil my Mum a bit and make a cake. This year, mum, dad and I are going for afternoon tea that I’ll treat them to. I feel like as I’m getting older now – and so are they – I want / need to make a bit more effort.
But I’ll be thinking of you this coming Mother’s Day and I hope you do manage to feel what you need to feel and do what you need to do to get through it and remember your Mum in the most fitting way possible. I think writing a card and planting something is a lovely idea xxxx
Having lost my mum nearly 3 years ago, I don’t celebrate Mother’s Day. My children don’t buy me cards, or flowers, or chocolate. They know it’s too painful. Instead they just make sure I have a nice day. No plans, no awkwardness, no dressing up, no fake smiles. I prefer it that way. A sofa day 🙂
It is hard to have Mother’s Day without your mom, I know the feeling. But it’s good to remember that you are a mom as well and your family wants to celebrate you. Also, I love that you incorporate remembering your mom on that day. I think that is very healing!
It’s tough isn’t it. I have to remind myself that my Mum would not want me to give up on the day x
I can only imagine how difficult Mother’s Day must be when your mother is no longer here. I think you are right to try and take the pressure off and allow yourself a cry if you need one. I am so sorry you lost your mum, I hope you find this March a little easier than last year xx
Thank you so much Wendy x x
Really heartwarming read 😊
Such a lovely and moving post. You had me in tears. I am really close to my mum and couldn’t imagine my life without her. xx
Such a moving post, thanks for sharing. I can’t begin to imagine life without my mum. Wishing you much strength to get through this difficult day.
Hugs! It gets a little better every year. My kids are still young enough they can’t fathom a day all about them, so ignoring it is pretty easy for me at the moment.
It must be so hard losing your mum, but hope you are at a point where you smile at the happy memories now
This is such a touching and heartfelt post, Claire. Thank you for sharing the wonderful memories of your mum. Writing a Mother’s Day card and putting it in her memory box is such a lovely idea. Sending you lots of love and hugs, will be thinking of you <3 xx
Bexa | http://www.hellobexa.com
Thank you Bexa, It is certainly going to be a tough few weeks x
This will be the first year that my best friend will be celebrating Mother’s Day without her mum. This post really helps me support her through a difficult day.
I am so glad that it will help you x x
What a beautifully honest blog post. Grief can be so overwhelming and it’s impossible to predict how you will feel. It sounds like you are being incredibly brave and a real inspiration.
Thank you Rowena x x
This is really inspiring andI love how to wrotethis article, continue on writing like this that can inspire many people :))
Thank you so much Clare x
What a beautiful post – I am so sorry about the loss of your Mum, it’s something I can’t even comprehend. I think you should be allowed to be a bit selfish, remember the good but allow yourself to grieve and open up your heart.
I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what I would do without my mum, Mother’s Day must be so very difficult for you. I would say just take one day at a time and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Kaz x
Thank you so much Kaz x
So sorry for your loss. Hope it gets easier for you as time goes on..between i absolutely love the picture tradition!
This is such a touching post and has deffo left a gulp in my throat. Times like this can be hard…don’t feel guilty or selfish though. Sending hugs xxx
Thank you so much Melanie x
Thank you so much for writing such a heartfelt and relatable post. You are such a strong person and although I don’t know you personally I’m so proud of you for posting this. I’m going to send this to my mum, who I know struggles with this time of year too as I think this will help her.
Quinn x
Thank you so much Quinn, that means so much to me x x
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts in this heartfelt post, I am sure it will help so many others who may be feeling the same way as mothers day approaches but feeling alone. I think only you know what to do for the best as such as that will be different for everyone but the one thing to remember is to be kind to yourself, its ok to feel not ok too.
I think the ideas you have come up with (and your brother) are lovely ways to remember your mum too!
Thank you so much Jess. i really hope it can help others x
It’s totally OK to feel this way. I think it’s such a significant day it takes time. I struggle with Mother’s Day for different reasons and it’s still a challenge even though it does get easier each year
Thank you for reading Zena x x
Mother’s Day is always bittersweet for me too. Not in the same way, but my mom lives in Zimbabwe. I can’t remember the last time I spent it with her. Not in the last 5 years at least. I try to enjoy the day as my children spoil me and make a fuss of me, but the reality is that I just want to be with my mom.
Hopefully this year will be a pleasant day though. For all of us.
#Itsok
Thank you. It is so hard to spend the day without them, even as a mother yourself x
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This was a very beautiful post to read and I am glad you shared all the memories you made with her. I think there is no right or wrong way to do a mother’s day when they are not here anymore. It’s a lovely idea to plant something in your garden for her and keep writing her cards so that you can read them later and share them with your family. Thank you for sharing this x
This is such a beautifully written post Claire and I love how you said about celebrating Mother’s Day your way x
Lucy | http://www.lucymary.co.uk