When you lose a loved one, you’ll so often want to pick up the phone. Almost daily I want to call my Mum, instead here are The things I wish I could tell you.
One year on
Today marks one year since you went away. Some days it feels as though it was only yesterday, others I feel like it was so long ago that I can’t remember seeing your face for the last time.
But of course I can remember. I remember every moment of every day that came before that one. I am not just talking about the time you were ill, but EVERYTHING that came before it.
Conversations, experiences, shared moments, I remember them all. Some are blurred by time, my perspective slightly sketchy but they are all in there. Stored like address cards in a purple index box, you know the one! They are in order, filed away but ready to be called on at any time.
I love that, I love our life time of memories and moments we’ve made together. What I wish for more than I ever thought I could was that we’d had even more years together.
I miss sharing everything with you, miss picking up the phone and sharing my news, catching up on yours or giving you the gossip. I miss asking you for advice, ringing you when I couldn’t think for myself, I did that a lot didn’t I?
The things I wish I could tell you
I sit here now, and I am thinking about all the things I have wanted to tell you this year, from the exciting to the mundane.
Of course I could talk forever about you, or about how much I miss you or how different life is now you’re not here or about how we are coping day to day but what about the mundane?
Well Mumma, Here it is… All the things I have wanted to tell you this year.
♥ Rob and I made Dad watch La La Land, I’d say minus the singing but I’d be lying. You can imagine Dad’s delight. I had to laugh about it because I knew you’d never of sat and watched it with us!
♥ After 5 days of constant swimming at Centre Parcs I got home and I can hear nothing!! Not a thing from one ear… Mum what do I do?
♥ We had to plan your funeral, that is seriously one of the worst things I’ve ever had to do, I needed your guidance more than ever today.
♥ The Caves bought us a clematis called ‘Pauline’ You’d of loved it, and you would also be impressed about how well I have kept it going, better than Dad in fact!
♥ Over 100 people came to say goodbye to you.
♥ Bompa is back, I know we all missed hearing Dad being called that.
♥ F had his high school open evening, it was terrifying but he loved every minute of the visit.
♥ F joined the Bedworth under 11’s football team….Don’t worry, panic over… it didn’t last long!
♥ F began his career in politics, Chairperson of the school council.
♥ I went for my smear test after the first letter… No NHS reminder needed, but a Mum nudge would have always been welcomed.
♥ I started making cards again.
♥ We went to our first Wedding fair, you’d of hated it but I wish you’d been there.
♥ We have a new family member … JP!
♥ Knock Knock… Avon’s calling! Guess who became an Avon rep??
♥ We all survived Christmas day, even my cooking!
♥ We finally finished the front room and dining room, its so beautiful, I think you’d love it! No red carpets, no red walls and a huge dining table to fit us all round
♥ We went to Portugal for a few days with Dad and stayed with Alex, it was a full family affair and just what we all needed.
♥ The wedding venue and church booked.
♥ My Wedding dress is now hanging in your wardrobe.
♥ Dad has a greenhouse, not just any greenhouse but ya know a really good one! He is VERY happy with his new Garden.
♥ I went to Anglesey and you came with me. The new owners of Tanterfyn gave us a full tour. You wouldn’t recognise the place but what they have done is so beautiful and it still felt exactly the same.
♥ Dad went away with the Garden club, I think it was harder than he said but I think he really enjoyed it. He took a little bit of you with him Mum.
♥ I have been teaching F to cook and in turn he has been getting Grandpa to help him bake, they make quite the team! Although none of us are brave enough to try to recreate your chocolate banana cake. I have taken on your legendary lasagne a few times to fairly decent reviews.
♥ I write a blog now, I started it before but I really love having somewhere to write. I write about you a lot. It helps me and seems to help others too.
♥ F smashed his SATs, reaching that previously out of reach ‘Greater depth’, amazing what a difference a good school can make!
♥ And then of course came the time for him to leave primary school. Oh Mum, that was harder than I expected it to be. All those school events that you’d normally have attended with me, I had to ride solo to them as Rob was working. So while I sat there crying my little eyes out over it all, some of those tears were because you weren’t there.
♥ Work has begun on our loft conversion, bet you never thought that would happen. I’d like to say it had been stress free but when rain water was pouring through the house at 1am, I wanted to call you and say HELP!
♥ I have survived my second family camping trip… go me!
♥ We held afternoon tea for your birthday in your honor, raising money for Myton hospice in the process. It was a great day and I know you’d of enjoyed it.
♥ I have finally started wedding planning and guess what?? It’s actually REALLY fun! Although I have the girls and Rob to call on I still feel the need to pick up the phone and ask for your opinion.
♥ I had to kick ass on Dad’s behalf recently and I channelled my inner ‘YOU’ and smashed it. It was an epic win that I really should have been able to share with you.
♥ And do you have any idea how many 25% off sales that Sainsburys have had in the last year…. Who can I tell now? Who can ring me up afterwards and tell me off for MAKING them spend too much money on clothes?
And of course there are a million other conversations I could have but all too controversial for my blog or you know just far to boring!
Now I can’t believe I am faced with another year of moments that I can’t share with you. But if everyone is to be believed this second year is easier, no more ‘firsts’ without you.
We have survived all that has come this year, regardless of if we wanted to or not. I don’t feel stronger for it. I’m sadder for it. I don’t want to be in a position to have to survive without you.
Day to day life is easier but its when I stop and realise just how much has changed and what I lost that day, it almost knocks the life right out of me.
Every day that passes is just another one further from you still being here and that’s a hard reality to face.
It sucks that you’re not here but you are loved as if you were right here with us, we talk about you as though we saw you yesterday and we all remember you each day.
Love you Mum, sleep tight x
What would you tell someone who is no longer with you?
This is so sweet and brought tears to my eyes. It has definitely made me think. I don’t spend nearly enough time with my mom and I know one day I’ll regret that. You’ve definitely touched my heart! 💕
This is so emotional and lovely words. I didnt lose my mom but I know how it feels to lose an important person. Always try to make so many memories and spend as much time as we can because one day we will be apart.
Oh what a beautiful post. And such a lovely idea to remember someone by
What a beautiful and sentimental tribute. I have drafts of letters to my grandma who has recently passed that I hope to get to my blog soon.
I can tell how much you miss your mom. Sorry for your loss, I can’t imagine.
Oh Amy, I am so sorry for your loss x x
Oh wow, I’m sat here crying, so well written. I remember conversations with my Grandma. How she always had cakes, buns, penguin biscuits. She never seemed to judge, she just listened and that was great. So many happy memories and now she has gone. Loss is really sad and really very hard!
I am so sorry for your loss x
Thanks Claire, sorry for your loss too x
I’ve been thinking this way for the last 6 years, ever since my dad died. So much has happened in mine and my kids lives. I would give just about anything to tell him…..
Oh Cindy, I am so sorry for your loss x
Oh my goodness, I can relate to SOOO much of that, I lost my wonderful Mum suddenly last Nov so the year anniversary is looming, she was and will always be my hero and I miss and love her so so much xx
Oh Donna, I am so so sorry. Sending love x x
This is so sweet, what a lovely thing to write and read back each year. Thank you for sharing it with us all.
Such a beautiful, emotional read! You described some amazing moments you wanted to share. I feel the same way about my grandmother who has been gone for several years. It gets easier over time as long as you think of the positives 🙂
Oh this is such an emotional post. I ring my mum all the time just to tell her random stuff and to have a chat and I know how much I would miss that
I was always on the phone to her and saw her as often as possible x
Bless you, I had a lump in my throat. It sounds like she will be so proud of you; lots achieved. x
Thank you so much Sarah x
i am actually typing this post with tears in my eyes – i wish i could give you a massive hug right now x regards Pati Robins
Thank you so much x x
Definitely brought me to tears, sometimes its just the simple things that we want to tell those who are no longer with us.
What a lovely post. I miss just sharing the everyday simple things with my Dad
It’s one of the hardest parts x
What a beautiful heart-felt post. Your Mum is looking down on you and so proud x
Thank you so so much x x
What a beautiful post, I am sure she is looking down and listening to every single one of those.
Thank you so much x x
[…] 21st August will always be a date I dread for the rest of my life. And 2019 marked one year since we said goodbye to my Mum. I won’t talk to much about that as you can read that Here […]
What a beautiful post… A lovely way to remember and we should… whoever said it gets easier lied it doesn’t we just deal with it better 💕Thank you for the follow 💕
Thank you, You’re right. It’s never easier, we just manage it better x
I lost my mom at 9 years old. I’ve always wanted to tell her about how my siblings and I were mistreated by close family members. I’ll always miss her but I came to the place where it’s not painful to remember her.
This is such a beautiful, heartfelt post. I am sure she would have loved the updates and all the newsy bits. 🙂
This is beautiful. I’m sure your mum would have loved it. It really is the simple, everyday conversations that we miss when we lose a loved one. ❤️
It really is, it’s those times when you’d pick up the phone straight away, I still find myself about to dial her x
Oh my word this post brought tears to my eyes, this is such a beautiful post to write Claire, so heartfelt x
Lucy | http://www.lucymary.co.uk
Thank you so much Lucy x x
What a lovely, moving, emotional post. From the heart and so lovely written. There is so much I’d tell my dad if he was here. I’m lucky that my sister thinks just like my dad did so I tell her instead. Thank you for sharing, your mum would So be proud of you. Good luck in the future and be happy, it’s all she would have wanted for you x
Thank you so so much Linz, your kind words mean a lot x x
Oh Claire. I had a lump in my throat and prickling eyes as I was reading this. It’s such a lovely list of things to share with your mum and I’m sure she’s smiling and laughing now as she watches over you. I lost my mum when I was 21 so I have an inkling of what you’re feeling. It never goes away but it does get a little easier after a lot of time. Take care, lovely, this was a wonderful tribute, Lisa xx
I’m so sorry to hear that Lisa. It’s so hard isn’t it. Thank you so much for reading and for your kind words x x