Please revoke my membership. I became a member of a club. I didn’t ask to be a member, I wouldn’t ever choose to be a member and it’s not a membership I’d want to gift to anyone else.
And the thing is, at the time I didn’t realise that I was part of this club. I didn’t know it was even a thing.
First meeting
But my first group meeting is via Facebook when I post about Mum passing away. Suddenly all these other people who have lost parents step up and tell you that they know what I am going through, that they are right there with me. And it’s both comforting and heart-breaking at the same time.
Comforting to know I am not alone and that there is hope that life will have a sense of normality about it in the years to come. It is heart-breaking to think of all these people I have known for such a long time have been here and continue to live through this and I either didn’t know, or didn’t realise the enormity of what they had experienced.
Because until it happened, I had no idea just how huge it is to lose a parent. How every part of my life has been touched by it. The constant ripple effect after this huge stone is dropped in to the puddle that is my world keeps on going.
And then I think about all the times where I should have said more to someone in this situation. I wonder if I have ever offered enough comfort to someone else. I mean I know now that there is no comfort. There are no words that people can say that will help make sense of the chaos I feel.
I still wonder if I came anywhere near offering that to my friends, my colleagues and even my family.
I do know that the kindness people showed me and the genuine sadness displayed made me realise that there is always some positives and that it meant that my Mum had touched people’s lives or had some impact on them. That is so special. I still wonder if I came anywhere near offering that to my friends, my colleagues and even my family.
Second meeting
My second meeting was a Christmas memorial service at the crematorium Mum’s funeral was held at.
I didn’t give it much thought beforehand if I am honest. We were going and that was that. But I arrived and there are so many people there.
I began to recognise faces in the crowds. It takes a while to register why they are here. But then I remember that they are here for the exact same reason that I am. Be it Mum or Dad, Wife or Husband, Sister or Brother, their child, their friend. Someone who meant the whole world to them is no longer here.
So we join together, seeking some comfort in this room full of sadness. A room so significant to us all.
And I tried so hard to be strong, to keep it together but it was impossible, there was just too much sadness around me and inside me. I couldn’t look at anyone because I knew I’d crumble.
But I could hear the sound of gentle sobbing around me and the Christmas carols didn’t help. And as I was completely unprepared for the evening, my poor scarf became a giant handkerchief.
Third Meeting
The third meeting took place in the Myton hospice car park on a windy but thankfully dry December evening.
This meeting felt a little different. It felt like a community bought together by something special. Yes we were all here to remember a loved one, but we were all linked by something more than our loss.
A connection that goes a little deeper, Myton itself. Because it is the last place most of our loved ones were with us. And this means that this place and these people, those that helped us and those that cared for those we have lost will remain in our heart forever.
And we know our members will grow over the years and we will welcome them with a comforting silence, a knowing smile or a gentle touch of acknowledgement because we are connected.
Fourth Meeting
My forth meeting was a little different. It was in the card aisle in Tesco. Faced with cards to Mum and Dad it just hit me.
I didn’t see it coming, but I was paralysed, I just stood there looking at every single one of them, sobbing. Torturing myself. The tears were uncontrollable and people just went on with their shopping, ignoring this hysterical woman in the aisle at Tesco.
Until a hand reached out and offered gentle reassurance in the form of a slight arm squeeze.
I knew right then that this Lady, this kind Lady, she knew exactly why I was crying. She was a member too I’m sure of it. We didn’t speak and in fact all that happened is I cried more, but right there in that moment it was exactly what I needed. Like an addict needs a sponsor.
I needed another member to see me, to reassure me and to remind me I am far from alone.
Please revoke my membership
I don’t want to be a member, I’d like to leave now. There is a part of me that feels some resentment towards other members. And I honestly believe this is because grieving is such a selfish act.
No one else can possibly feel how I do or truly understand what I am are going through. So being in a room with all these other people’s grief makes me feel angry. And yes I am very aware this makes me sound like a terrible person and believe me when I tell you that the guilt I feel is enormous but that’s the truth, I can’t change it no matter how much I would like to.
All I can do is hope that it fades….. and bloody quickly!
Are there benefits to this club?
Its then I saw the importance of ‘The Club’. Yes I’d rather not be in it, I’d rather not attend the meetings but I now know the support this group offers will be never-ending.
Their understanding and sympathy will remain because they will, like me, need that support forever. I just hope that one day I can offer that kindness and support to someone else because it meant the absolute world to me.
Are you a member of this club, the one no one wants to be? A member of a group who will hold you up no matter what.
Have you had any moments like the ones I’ve described?
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through but I’m glad you are able to find support to help you through it and others who understand. That’s so lovely of the lady in Tesco, a lot of people would just pass on by and ignore you. I don’t think you’re a terrible person at all, it’s so easy to feel angry at others.
Thank you for reading. It’s so hard to know how this will make you feel until it happens, you think your strong. It is little moments like Tesco that make you realise you don’t need to be strong all of the time as people will always offer you strength x
This is a wonderful post, so real and personal. I am facing this issue soon, I know it’s coming and yet it’s impossible to prepare. Thank you for your honest and heartfelt post. I am saving it to refer to down the road.
Nothing can prepare you unfortunately, but you will find strength in unexpected places. All I can say is take your time, be kind to yourself. Sending love x x
As a member of the club, I totally understand how you are feeling. We lost mother in law before Christmas, she was the last one of our parents to leave us. The grief journey I feel for her has been different but still has similarities to my grief journey with both my parents. I stood crying in Sainsbury’s before Mother’s Day as I had found a copy of The Cat In The Hat. Mother in law had Alzheimer’s disease, and towards the end, it was her favourite book to entertain herself with. I tried to cry discreetly while shopping. Then came the Mother’s Day cards, that finished me off. My mum died 15 years ago on Mother’s Day, it has always been an emotive day for me. Over the years I have accepted that my daughter wants to celebrate her relationship with me, but the day always has that slight tinge of sadness. We lit candles to remember both mothers this year.
It’s a club nobody chooses to join, but will end up having membership of at some point in their lives. And while we all understand it, we wish we didn’t feel the way we do. It never stops the yearning to see them or hear them again, and for me, the desire to share the highs and lows of life with them.
I hope that I can be supportive to those who join the club.
I bet you’ll have helped people without even knowing. Just being able to understand people’s journey is a huge help.
Thank you for reading. Sending love 💕
I wish I could give you a hug, or just put my hand on your arm. Yes, I understand everything you’ve said. (nine years)
I can remember thinking about how I’d previously reacted to other people’s grief at losing their Mums too, including my own Mum. Did I give them enough sympathy or did I even think, really think, about what they were going through? I probably didn’t, because it wasn’t until I lost my Mum that I really understood.
Everyone says it gets easier, and they’re right, it does get easier to cope with. But all I’d say is give yourself time and let the tears flow when come. Thinking of you x
Thank you so much.
We just don’t have the capacity to process how huge this is until we are faced with it ourselves, there is nothing like it.
The days do get easier, it’s true but I think the minute you stop and think about any of it, it is still so raw and I’m sure it will always be.
The support that people offer though really does help so much.
Sending love to you x x
Another amazingly written post, Claire. You always seem to touch a nerve with how you write about these sort of topics. I can’t begin to imagine the grief of being in “the club” to be honest with you – but I know it’s a club not a single person on Earth would sign up for. It definitely doesn’t make you a bad person for feeling angry either – I think grief is experienced differently by everyone. It’s such a personal experience, one you can’t really compare to the person sitting next to you. But it’s comforting to know that you’re not alone too.
Jenny xxx
Thank you so much Jenny.
I read up a bit about the stages of grieve. It’s unbelievable how accurate it is, sadly it’s the anger that seems to rear its head more often than any other.
Knowing I’m not alone though does help x
I’m so sorry for your loss and everything you’ve been through, although I’m aware of how little those words mean in a situation like this. This is a honestly beautiful and heart-wrenching post and I really hope that the act of writing it and being able to put it out there just helped ease even a tiny pain point.
Thank you Lindsey. Writing about it has become therapy for me. Knowing that you’re not alone in itself is so helpful but knowing that my writing could help someone else makes the difficult write worthwhile x
Thank you for sharing your story. I especially liked how your experience shared the role of other people in relationship to the individual. Grief is a “not one size fits all” and even though I have experienced it as well, your post helped me to understand it even better.
Thank you for sharing your journey. I am sure this post will really help someone who becomes a member of the club in the future especially as it validates all the emotions you feel in grief. You never know what might trigger a moment when you’ll need support.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m amazed you write such well put together pieces through the grief. I can’t imagine how hard it is, and am in denial about ever joining the club. Keep doing this, as I don’t doubt you’re helping others with your honesty.
Thank you so much for your kind words
Writing has helped me to make some sense of the thoughts in my head. But there as so many levels of grief that you’re always thrown when something else hits you.
So sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Your writing is so beautiful and I’m sure you’re helping many people going through the same thing but helping them realise they are not alone x
I’m so sorry for your loss. What a beautifully written post. I’m sure your post is helping lots of people who are experiencing similar feelings of grief and loss.
Yes, this membership sucks! And I totally agree that while other members can related to what you are going through, each grief is different. We all had different and unique experiences with our loved ones that passed away. And we all grief differently.
Sending virtual hugs your way.
So sorry to hear of your heartache. I really don’t know what I’ll do when I lose my mum but hopefully I can find a good support. I totally agree grieving is selfish… It has to be because it’s different for everyone but we all need that support.
What a beautiful and powerful post. I’m not a member of this club yet, but in any heartbreaking situation, there’s comfort in know that you are part of a ‘club’.
It is so true. It’s a club no one wants to join but you definitely have a connection to everyone else in the club. I lost my boyfriend when I was 19 and was absolutely devasted. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It has definitely given me a unique perspective though and I feel I can understand a bit of what other people go through, especially when its someone so young.
This is the club that I most fear being part of. I’m pretty sure I will want to revoke my membership too when the time come but it is nice to know that people can be so supportive. I’m so sorry for your loss.
first thing id love to do is to hug you close ! loss of a parent gives us unimaginable paint and healing process is long and a hard road xx kind regards Pati Robins
Sorry for your loss, sorry you are a member of the club. Sorry you can’t revoke your membership. Wish I could give you a massive hug. Your post is so tender and heartfelt and grief is a selfish thing. No two griefs are the same. I became a member twice and it’s not for me, I don’t like it that much.
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through but I’m glad you are able to find support to help you through it and others who understand. That’s so lovely of the lady in Tesco, a lot of people would just pass on by and ignore you. I don’t think you’re a terrible person at all, it’s so easy to feel angry at others.
Thank you for reading. It’s so hard to know how this will make you feel until it happens, you think your strong. It is little moments like Tesco that make you realise you don’t need to be strong all of the time as people will always offer you strength x
This is a wonderful post, so real and personal. I am facing this issue soon, I know it’s coming and yet it’s impossible to prepare. Thank you for your honest and heartfelt post. I am saving it to refer to down the road.
Nothing can prepare you unfortunately, but you will find strength in unexpected places. All I can say is take your time, be kind to yourself. Sending love x x
My heart hurts for you but so appreciate your raw, honest post. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for your kind words Jaimi x x
As a member of the club, I totally understand how you are feeling. We lost mother in law before Christmas, she was the last one of our parents to leave us. The grief journey I feel for her has been different but still has similarities to my grief journey with both my parents. I stood crying in Sainsbury’s before Mother’s Day as I had found a copy of The Cat In The Hat. Mother in law had Alzheimer’s disease, and towards the end, it was her favourite book to entertain herself with. I tried to cry discreetly while shopping. Then came the Mother’s Day cards, that finished me off. My mum died 15 years ago on Mother’s Day, it has always been an emotive day for me. Over the years I have accepted that my daughter wants to celebrate her relationship with me, but the day always has that slight tinge of sadness. We lit candles to remember both mothers this year.
It’s a club nobody chooses to join, but will end up having membership of at some point in their lives. And while we all understand it, we wish we didn’t feel the way we do. It never stops the yearning to see them or hear them again, and for me, the desire to share the highs and lows of life with them.
I hope that I can be supportive to those who join the club.
I bet you’ll have helped people without even knowing. Just being able to understand people’s journey is a huge help.
Thank you for reading. Sending love 💕
I wish I could give you a hug, or just put my hand on your arm. Yes, I understand everything you’ve said. (nine years)
I can remember thinking about how I’d previously reacted to other people’s grief at losing their Mums too, including my own Mum. Did I give them enough sympathy or did I even think, really think, about what they were going through? I probably didn’t, because it wasn’t until I lost my Mum that I really understood.
Everyone says it gets easier, and they’re right, it does get easier to cope with. But all I’d say is give yourself time and let the tears flow when come. Thinking of you x
Thank you so much.
We just don’t have the capacity to process how huge this is until we are faced with it ourselves, there is nothing like it.
The days do get easier, it’s true but I think the minute you stop and think about any of it, it is still so raw and I’m sure it will always be.
The support that people offer though really does help so much.
Sending love to you x x
Another amazingly written post, Claire. You always seem to touch a nerve with how you write about these sort of topics. I can’t begin to imagine the grief of being in “the club” to be honest with you – but I know it’s a club not a single person on Earth would sign up for. It definitely doesn’t make you a bad person for feeling angry either – I think grief is experienced differently by everyone. It’s such a personal experience, one you can’t really compare to the person sitting next to you. But it’s comforting to know that you’re not alone too.
Jenny xxx
Thank you so much Jenny.
I read up a bit about the stages of grieve. It’s unbelievable how accurate it is, sadly it’s the anger that seems to rear its head more often than any other.
Knowing I’m not alone though does help x
I’m so sorry for your loss and everything you’ve been through, although I’m aware of how little those words mean in a situation like this. This is a honestly beautiful and heart-wrenching post and I really hope that the act of writing it and being able to put it out there just helped ease even a tiny pain point.
Thank you Lindsey. Writing about it has become therapy for me. Knowing that you’re not alone in itself is so helpful but knowing that my writing could help someone else makes the difficult write worthwhile x
Thank you for sharing your story. I especially liked how your experience shared the role of other people in relationship to the individual. Grief is a “not one size fits all” and even though I have experienced it as well, your post helped me to understand it even better.
Thank you so much for your kind words Ashley x
I’m so sorry for your loss. And thank you for sharing so we can all be a little more supportive to those who need it most.
Thank you Elease. It has certainly taught me an awful lot x
Thank you for sharing your journey. I am sure this post will really help someone who becomes a member of the club in the future especially as it validates all the emotions you feel in grief. You never know what might trigger a moment when you’ll need support.
Thank you so much for reading x x
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m amazed you write such well put together pieces through the grief. I can’t imagine how hard it is, and am in denial about ever joining the club. Keep doing this, as I don’t doubt you’re helping others with your honesty.
Thank you so much for your kind words
Writing has helped me to make some sense of the thoughts in my head. But there as so many levels of grief that you’re always thrown when something else hits you.
So sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Your writing is so beautiful and I’m sure you’re helping many people going through the same thing but helping them realise they are not alone x
Thank you so much for your kind words.
I only hope that it does help others, there has to be some good from this x
I’m so sorry for your loss. What a beautifully written post. I’m sure your post is helping lots of people who are experiencing similar feelings of grief and loss.
Thank you so much Nicole, I hope it does help others, it’ll make some of this pain a little easier x
Yes, this membership sucks! And I totally agree that while other members can related to what you are going through, each grief is different. We all had different and unique experiences with our loved ones that passed away. And we all grief differently.
Sending virtual hugs your way.
So very sad. X
So sorry to hear of your heartache. I really don’t know what I’ll do when I lose my mum but hopefully I can find a good support. I totally agree grieving is selfish… It has to be because it’s different for everyone but we all need that support.
What a beautiful and powerful post. I’m not a member of this club yet, but in any heartbreaking situation, there’s comfort in know that you are part of a ‘club’.
Thank you Tasha, it definitely brings some comfort to know you’re not alone in any club x
It is so true. It’s a club no one wants to join but you definitely have a connection to everyone else in the club. I lost my boyfriend when I was 19 and was absolutely devasted. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It has definitely given me a unique perspective though and I feel I can understand a bit of what other people go through, especially when its someone so young.
Oh thy is awful, no age at all and such a huge loss to process at that age for you.
It’s definitely a connection like no other x
It’s definitely not something anyone would want to join but how nice to have found so many people who can offer support.
This is the club that I most fear being part of. I’m pretty sure I will want to revoke my membership too when the time come but it is nice to know that people can be so supportive. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much. It is the worst club but one of the most supportive and widespread x x
You really do put across you feelings beautifully. It is a club that none of us want to join ;-( x
Thank you so much Mandi x x
I’m so sorry, I cannot image how hard it must be. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Jenni x
first thing id love to do is to hug you close ! loss of a parent gives us unimaginable paint and healing process is long and a hard road xx kind regards Pati Robins
Having that membership definitely sucks but agree some groups can be helpful.
I am so sorry for your loss. It kills me to even think about it so I have no understanding of how awful that must be for you. Much love xxx
Thank you so much Laura x
I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know how it feels like. Sending my hugs and prayers. I put so much emotion while reading this.
Thank you so much Alexandra x
[…] have talked before about the kindness of strangers Here, the impact one person can have on you. A simple acknowledgement of someones feeling’s […]
Sorry for your loss, sorry you are a member of the club. Sorry you can’t revoke your membership. Wish I could give you a massive hug. Your post is so tender and heartfelt and grief is a selfish thing. No two griefs are the same. I became a member twice and it’s not for me, I don’t like it that much.
Thank you so much Linz. I am so sorry you’re a member too. It is cruel and not fair in any way x x