Grieving

What I have learnt through Grief

This week is Grief awareness week. As you will know if you follow my blog this is a topic that is hugely important to me. I want to share what I have learnt through grief.

I hate that it has to be something that I feel, something that I have to experience and something that is constantly at the back of everything I do.

bloom blooming blossom blur
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

But I am so grateful for the support and love I have been shown because of my blog posts on the subject and the positive feedback I receive.

I don’t see that there will ever become a time where I don’t write about grief and loss. If I can share anything I’ve learnt during my own journey through grief that can then help someone else, this has to be a positive in what is otherwise a really sh!tty process.

red rose flowers bouquet on white surface beside spring book with click pen and cup of cofffee
Photo by Lum3n.com on Pexels.com

This time I wanted to look at all the things I have learnt since I lost my Mum. Putting this list together, it was clear that some of these things would be quite general and the case for most people, but grief affects us all so differently, I don’t think it would be fair to generalise.

This is why I have put together this post from my perspective, my grief journey.

What I have learnt through grief

-Life is never quite the same again

-It is OK to be sad

– Question your own mortality becomes a daily event – When will I die? What will get me? Can I feel a lump? What is that pain? I definitely have cancer! I won’t live past 63 because my Mum didn’t!

-Constantly awaiting bad news

-It is OK to be happy

-No one can ever replace them

-You learn to love more

-The reality is that life is short

-Learn to take more photographs, when you lose someone you suddenly realise how little pictures you have of them, even if you have 1000’s!

-You suddenly understand how important it is to make the absolute most of every moment.

-There is no time limit to grief

-You can and will survive

-Life seems surreal on a regular basis

-You can’t always control it

-A picture can break you

-Guilt continues to hit you

-You constantly look for a sign that they are with you

-You replay those difficult times over and over again

-They are in all they loved and all they hated when they were alive

-Time suddenly seems the most important thing in the world

-Grief is not a constant state

-You want to live for them as well

-Grief is unique to you, it is different for everyone.

-Some memories of those last days begin to blur

-Your conversations still start with My Mum

-You want to talk about your loved one all the time

-From time to time you will completely close down

-You remember all the things they taught you

-It changes you

-You often forget they are not here still

-Triggers are everywhere

-Each significant date remains as painful, year after year.

-Unaffected people do move on, that is painful but understandable

-You feel defined by your grief – You are NOT!

Lessons to come

And for now, that’s it. Although I am sure there is so much more for me to learn about this journey grief takes me on. Maybe some of these lessons will become less important to me over time.

I know this is a life long journey, You can’t lose someone as important as your Mum and not be forever affected by it. Accepting that is probably one of the most important lesson’s I have had to learn.

If you have lost someone important to you, what has it taught you? Is there any lesson’s I have missed or yet to learn?

What I have learnt through grief

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90 Comments

  1. Sorry for your loss Claire. Remember to take some time for yourself during this already hectic time of the year. Hug from The Netherlands ❤️

    1. Thank you so much Jenni 💕

  2. Grief is a tough emotion and I really feel for anyone going through it – I am very lucky to still have my Mum in my life but have many friends who have lost both parents now. You write so beautifully about it x

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words Sabina x

  3. I lost my mom ten years ago. I often think mom would like this. She would go with me there. She was always willing “let me get my coat”. So I always had someone who was up for anything. Life does change – doors close and others open. Yes to crying after ten years and yes to that being okay with that.

    1. It’s accepting that it is ok to feel how ever you feel, that’s hugely important x

  4. www.throughthecookingglass.com says:

    Sorry for your loss. 🙁 One of the things that I learned is don’t expect one persons grief to be the same as yours was/is. Don’t judge them. As you said, we all experience it differently. HUGS!

    1. It differs massively x

  5. I’m so sorry for your loss. I am yet to go through this with anybody close – I can only imagine how painful it must be but it’s something I know that none of us can escape.

    1. Sadly, it can’t be avoided or prepared for x

  6. Thank you so much for posting this. Last Wednesday was the one year anniversary of my mom’s death, and I’m still grieving terribly. Thank you for articulating a lot of the surprising side-effects of grief (especially the fear of your own mortality, and the surrealism).

    1. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for reading x

  7. I lost my mum too and other loved ones. And I’ve learnt to cherish every moment with your loved ones and let things go. I’ve learnt to have no regrets either so that I have positive memories. Thank you for such an inspirational and personal post!

    1. So sorry for your losses Lia but you are so right about the lessons you’ve learnt x

  8. packthepjs says:

    I lost my mum 2.5 years ago to cancer. I realised that my best coping mechanism is to keep busy/keep planning things – don’t stand still for too long. I’m most vulnerable when I’m driving alone – a line in a song, or a memory causes the tears to flow. Seconds before I’m happy and laughing – it comes out of nowhere. I can’t visit her grave. I will at Christmas to take some flowers – but it’s the only visit until next year. I find that too hard. My dad and brothers keep the grave ‘nice’ so I know all is ok. The biggest thing I’ve learned is that time doesn’t heal. Things change, but the pain remains x

    1. I am always crying in the car, it’s almost become a safe place.

      We don’t have a grave to visit but I don’t think I could go.

      Sending love at this difficult time of year x

  9. I lost my Dad when pregnant with my daughter and it’s the little triggers that get me and the thought of him never meeting any of my three children. You are so strong and thanks for this post xx

    1. I am so sorry for your loss, thank you for your kind words x

  10. When I lost my Grandad and then my Nan I realised very quickly time is so short and to appreciate every day. Even on a bad day I try to remind myself of that.

    1. Time is so precious, I certainly make the most of the time x

  11. laurabooksandblogs says:

    I’ve never lost an immediate family member (yet), but I did lose two close coworkers within months of each other. They were people I saw everyday for almost 10 years. So it really hit home. I know what you mean about wanting to talk about them all the time and constantly thinking about when it will be my time. It sucks, but it’s part of living, and it teaches us about change and continuing on without the people we lost. Good luck to you in navigating through your grief.

    1. Thank you Laura x

  12. So sorry for your loss. I haven’t lost anyone that close to me yet but I can’t even imagine how hard grief is to deal with.

    1. Thank you Lyndsey x

  13. Olivia Robins says:

    i cannot ever imagine how will i cope if i ever lose my mum , i have lost my nana that i was close and the pain stayed with me for a very long time . kind regards Pati Robins

    1. It is so very hard to lose anyone we hold dear x

  14. Such a touching post. Grief is the most feared feeling and you must be a very brave person to go through it and see the lessons instead of only the pain. I pray that you continue to heal.
    Ngumabi
    My Local Adventures Blog xxo

    1. Thank you so much for your kind words x

  15. This is so heartbreaking to read, yet so eye opening too. Grief is beyond difficult to experience and doesn’t ever really go away. Thank you for your honesty 🙂

    1. Thank you so much Helen x

  16. Amazing pot Claire. The work you do on grief is incredible – I’d love to see you take this even further. Perhaps an eBooks or something because you have such a level head and a fantastic way of getting things across – even to people like me who haven’t experienced grief to that degree xxx

    1. Oh Jenny, you honestly don’t know how much this comment means to me, I couldn’t reply yesterday as it made me cry! Thank you so much 💕

      1. Oh no! I’m sorry for making you cry – not my intention 😂 But hope it was good tears! I really mean it though, think about it 💛 I think the publisher that’s publishing my book in September would definitely be interested xxx

        1. Good tears, very good tears! And it’s really given me something to think about!

          Thank you from the bottom of my heart 💕

  17. Sorry to hear about this loss. No one can understand your pain and sadness. It is the only time that heals. Sending good wishes and some cheer from Jaipur, Claire.

    1. Thank you so much x x

  18. My Anxious Life says:

    You always write so beautifully and honestly about grief, and always bring a tear to my eye. You’re an inspiration to many of us, even if sometimes you feel like you’re falling apart x

    1. Thank you so so much, they are so hard to write but I honestly feel overwhelmed by the support people show me x

  19. What a fabulous reminder that we each experience and go through the grieving process our own way. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve.

    1. Thank you Beth, there certainly isn’t x

  20. Lauren Moran says:

    I lost my Mom completely unexpectedly in July of this year.
    You listed many of the things I have too learnt. But here are some more:
    -You never know what will or can happen from day to day.
    -Do all the things you want to do when you want to. Don’t put things off. There were tons of things I still wanted me and my Mom to do together.
    -Make your decisions YOUR decisions. Not to please others. Life is too short.
    -Its ok to want to be alone.
    -Keep your Mother’s memory alive through photos, things she would do or say, wearing her clothes or her jewelry, doing her favorite things.

    1. Oh Lauren, I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for adding these, they are spot on x

  21. It can be a sad time can grief. However, articles like this wrote through personal experience help to open up the whole subject xx

    1. Thank you so much x

  22. Scandi Mummy says:

    Sending much love. This is very helpful for anyone experiencing similar. X

  23. I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent must be incredibly hard. I think you’ve touched on some really important subjects here, like your grief does not define you. Loss can make a lot of people feel as though it does and you talking about it, publicly like this, I hope it helps to change some minds.

    1. Thank you so much. It’s always hard to write about but I just hope it helps others x

  24. Lisa's Notebook says:

    Oh Claire. This was a very hard post for me to read because I lost my mother to cancer many years ago. Everything you say is so spot on. Particuarly the point about a photo having the ability to break you, albeit temporarily. There are so many things my mother missed out on and I sometimes still feel absolute rage that she was taken away in such a horrible fashion before she had the chance to meet her grand-daughter and enjoy her hard eared and much deserved retirement. Thank you for writing this post, I’m crying as I type this, because it’s so rare to find someone who knows and can put down in words how raw this kind of grief can be. Beautiful post, and I’m so very sorry for your loss too. Lisa xxx

    1. Oh Lisa, thank you so much. I am truly sorry you lost your mum to cancer too, my Mum got just 5 months to enjoy her retirement, it’s so incredibly cruel.

      Sending love to you x

  25. I had no idea it was grief awareness week. Makes sense given that Christmas and the festive holidays can be the hardest time of year for those recovering from the loss of a loved one

    1. It’s really very hard, but I have to make it special. She really would want me to x

  26. I am really sorry for your loss. Sending you virtual hugs xx

    1. Thank you so much x

  27. Everyone experiences grief in different ways and its ok, not to be ok all the time x It must be hard all year round but even more so at Christmas x

    1. It really is, thank you for reading x

  28. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my younger brother 14 years ago and it’s still painful.

  29. Beth DeLong says:

    These ring so true, especially the one about how few pictures you actually have of your loved ones. I used to take pictures of family and friends all the time, even to the point of annoying them (it was high school, so…). But now, as more loved ones pass away, I’m realizing I need to start making this a priority again. Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing this list. I know it is so difficult, but I hope the grief gets a little easier for you each day.

    1. Thank you so much Beth, it’s extremely hard but writing does help x

  30. Grief is certainly a learning process and one that takes a while and never really goes – I lost my Dad is very sudden circumstances when I was 19yrs old and he loved music and I find when a song comes on that he used to play that gets me every time

    Laura x

    1. Music is so emotive at the best of times but when it makes you think of a parent it’s heartbreaking and lovely at the same time x

  31. Such a lovely post. I’m lucky in that I haven’t lost anyone close to me yet. My partner has lost his Mum though and I’m sure he would agree with all of the points

  32. HarrisJN says:

    This post is everything ❤️ I can really feel this and what you’re going through. I lost my Mum in February and I’ve struggled to put into words my thoughts and emotions and this post says it all. I admire your strength.
    Just, thank you xx

    1. Oh Nikki, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope Christmas is ok for you x x

  33. Thephatgirlblog says:

    Grief is a extremely valid emotion that no one enjoys. Its okay to be sad, losing loved ones really puts life into perspective as to how short it really is. You only get one life, live it to the fullest. Your Mom would want that for you. I’m sorry for your loss xoxo

    1. Thank you so much Tanya x

  34. This blog post rings so true. I lost my mum nearly five years ago now and I cannot begin to tell you how often it’s made me think about my own mortality 😂 it’s crazy!

    1. clairelomax2018 says:

      I am so sorry for your loss Louise. I am utterly convinced that ever twinge is bad news x

  35. Thank you for being so honest and sharing with us. I haven’t lost too many people close to me, but of course, the day will sadly come. Mich x

    1. clairelomax2018 says:

      Thank you so much Michelle x x

  36. I am so sorry for your loss. Grief is an awful thing and something so personal to all isn’t it? We all experience it somewhat differently and it’s OK to need help if you can’t manage it alone.

    1. clairelomax2018 says:

      It is so personal that it can be so difficult to summarise it as it varies so much. Thank you x x

  37. I agree 100%. Especially the photographs part. I discovered a 5-8 year period of my life with NO photos of me. Not good. We need to ensure WE are in the photo’s too!

    1. clairelomax2018 says:

      Yes I am very guilty of that too x x

  38. Valerie says:

    Some of those events you listed certainly can be life changing. I experienced some while dealing with some major life events and depression and this is valid for that as well.

    1. clairelomax2018 says:

      Very valid. Any major life event comes with huge change that takes some time to process x

  39. Grief is a tough process, just take it one moment at a time. I found talking to anyone who would listen really helped me.

    1. clairelomax2018 says:

      I am very much like that, it almost keeps them alive x x

  40. Firstly sorry for your loss, nothing anyone ever says is right or will make things right, especially since its dealing with grief and everyone handles it differently. You sharing about your grief is in a way helping you to heal and move on with life.

    1. clairelomax2018 says:

      Thank you so much. It does certainly help me to talk about it x x

  41. Sorry to hear of your loss , its really hard to lose a loved one but talking about them and sharing your grief often helps to come to terms with the loss.

    1. clairelomax2018 says:

      It does help to take the edge off a little x x

  42. Rhian westbury says:

    I think we can all learn and take some things from the tough times that we go through and the grief we suffer x

    1. clairelomax2018 says:

      Thank you, I think you’re right x

  43. Thank you for sharing this (and your whole journey too!) I know it will help so many people. I remember feeling guilty for feeling happy when my dad died but as you said it is ok to feel ok again, it doesn’t mean you loved them less or that you are forgetting about them in any way!

  44. I lost my sister when she was only 23 in 2008, since then my life has been marked as the time before Zoey died and the time after. Even 12 years later there are days when I want to talk to her. I then lost my Nan, my best friend and partner in crime, last year (May 2019) and I still feel lost without her. I miss them both everyday.

  45. That last one is the most important too.

  46. We lost a parent and we went through these same experiences. Some good uplifting advice too

    1. clairelomax2018 says:

      I am so sorry for your loss x x

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