I think this may be the most honest I will be, both wit myself and with the general viewing public. But learning how to balance grief while parenting is hard. Harder than I think I ever realised.
The reality is parenting while my whole world changed has been one of the toughest parts of this whole process. I am sure to many this will seem very unfair, very irrational and almost cruel but it is my true and honest view.
There are of course days that bring joy, days where it is easy to be a Mum. Days where there is no thought needed, I just ‘Mum’ successfully. The house is tidy, the kids are entertained, happy and well watered.
On other days, I simply can’t be the parent I want to be.
Learning to balance grief while parenting
Acknowledging that parenting becomes harder
Firstly my patience levels do not exist some days. I don’t know why but I can wake up and just know that even the simplest of requests are going to be too much. It’s a feeling, for whatever reason I can’t shake. If I knew how to stop it, put it to one side and do the job I am here to do then I would, But for whatever reason once I start there is no stopping it. It consumes me.
Secondly, some days I feel like I can’t be a parent without Mum’s influence. I still called her to ask the most ridiculous questions. Still sought some reassurance from her that I was making the right decisions on parenting, cooking and washing. Plus about a million other ridiculous adulting dilemmas.
It is the days though where the whole thing is almost inconvenient that are hardest. As if theirs needs somehow get in the way of my own misery. The days where I’d like to stay in bed and cry if I feel the urge to. Food must be cooked, outside activities attended, school uniform washed and rooms cleaned. These wonderful little people to look after and protect.
Thankfully these days are few, but maybe I need to ask for help and take the time I feel I need.
There are the days where I forget and carry on as normal, but when it hits me again, I am overwhelmed by guilt for enjoying myself, the children and the happiness that surrounds me.
Learning to be a Mum without a Mum
How can you be a Mum without a Mum? Its almost as though all that has come before the moment she passed away is forgotten. All the things she told me, taught me and offered me have gone.
I know this is absurd, I am well aware that her not being here doesn’t change the fact that she was my parent for 35 years. She taught me all I know. Made me the parent I am and now she is gone. She was my parenting crutch, the sensible voice of reason when I am feeling guilty for telling them off.
Mum was the first person I’d call to celebrate the good news with. The parent’s evening, school achievements and general moments of happiness.
She’d reassure me that no one would die from a sniffle. That if you’re awake at 6am and your child is still asleep at 7.30… You leave them BE! She’d take F for his injections and to the Dentist because that stuff is horrible for Mum’s.
Asking for help
I know I have Rob now and a wonderful support network of friends and family who will pacify my nonsense parental neurosis but it’ll never be the same.
Only my Mum could tell me to stop being an Idiot without causing offence. Only she could understand the sense of pride that I feel for her Grandson and understand just how crazy kids make you.
And I know only too well that she’d not want that for me, in fact she’d be really bloody cross with me. Oh what I wouldn’t give to hear her tell me off!
I know I can’t let the grief take over, dictate my mood, my relationships, take from me the person I am. Can’t allow it to overwhelm and consume me.
I need to accept help, be honest about what is going on rather than utter those words … ‘I’m Fine’.
Moving forward
I need to embrace family life and the normality it brings. The fun and laughter as well as the demands and daily activities. I have to take back control.
I need to understand that it’ll always be there but it’s about how I deal with it that will save me from myself and make me the parent I once was.
Seeing the points in this post is almost like the stages of grief. I think simply by acknowledging how I feel about my grief and the impact it has on my parenting, feels like huge progress.
How to balance grief while parenting
This post feels very heavy on my own feelings, but the hope is that for anyone in the same position, you’ll see you’re not alone. Here are some ways you can support yourself.
- Take your time. You don’t need to do it all.
- Have a break when you need it
- Open up about how you’re feeling
- Acknowledge that your children may be struggling with their own grief
- Allow yourself to grieve
- Ask for help when things are too much
- Seek professional support if you feel you need it
Have you lost a close loved one, especially a parent and found parenting becoming more and more difficult? Did you find ways to cope?
Or did you find that grieving had little to no effect on your ability to parent?
I lost my dad going on 9 years December of this year. When he passed I had just had my 2nd child and while I know there is a difference between the bond you have with mom and dad, one of my parents had gone to be with the Lord and my mom was in another state. So, I asked myself the same question: how can I be a mom without them. The pain is nothing like you've ever felt in loss before, and the world seems like such a big place with a huge hole. I'm sorry for your loss love. Being transparent like that is going to help. You will find that there are a lot of people in the world and around you that have either gone through or are going through what you're going through. Keep your head up!
Thank you Nicole, I am finding through my blog that there are a huge number of people who experience the same, it makes you feel like you are less alone than you feared. I am sorry for your loss and I know that we will both feel the pain for the rest of our years but I hold hope that time will make it easier.
Firstly, I’m really sorry. I’m sure you feel a hundred emotions and it’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to grieve in front of the children. You’re right your mum wouldn’t want you to feel guilty for those happy moments, the same as we wouldn’t want our children to. I lost my Dad as a teenager and it never gets easier but you do find a way to live through the grief and to keep them in your life by remembering them. Jasmine never met either of her grandads as they died before she was born. We have their pictures in ‘grandad’ frames on the windowsill so she will always know. Take Care and be kind to yourself, you’re doing the hardest job in the world x
Thank you so much. I’m so sorry for your loss. It doesn’t get easier but we learn to adapt to a new life without them x x
I know what you mean about the things you rely on your mum for. I still ring mine about really silly things or with random questions because she always knows the answer. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling but it’s okay to be sad and to feel crap about things at times. At least you’re open about how you feel.
It’s so much easier to be open on here than in real life and it also makes it easier to process when it’s written down x x
Do you know when it hits me the most? When I’m driving, alone, in my car. I’ve no idea what triggers it – was it a line in a song that I didn’t think I was listening to? Was it just that there was no distractions/conversations going on, so I switched into remembering mode. Twice I’ve had to stop my car as I just start to blub, and I mean full body sobbing. It frightens me a bit because I don’t see it coming – I may have just come from having a coffee with a friend and am in a happy mood. Then wham. It happened on the run up to mother’s day this year – and it took me 4 days to stop crying. My husband is amazing – he ensures the kids give me space. They are hurting too, and they understand. Their school are doing the full 5k Race for Life tomorrow – my 10 yr old son came home crying as he had to write on his bib whose memory he was running for. Nana x
Oh my! That genuinely made me feel so sad! I cry so much in the car. Especially when mum was ill. I think because I spent so much time back and forth it became my safe place. As if no one could see me.
My son has not dealt with it at all, he shows no emotion about it, won’t talk about it and he’s quite a sensitive soul, it worries me.
I think it’s really good that your son can show his feelings. Wish him luck for tomorrow.
Sending love 💕
It is so, so hard and it sounds like you are an amazing Mum yourself. It is one of the hardest parts of life and I really appreciate your honest post.
Thank you so much Mandy x
I can not even imagine how tough it must be to parent without your mum, thanks for sharing your honest and raw feelings.
Thank you x
I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how hard it must be, I’m lucky that both my parents are still alive. While it may not be easy to keep going sometimes, I don’t think it’s a bad think to show emotion and grief in front of kids.
Thank you. I agree it is important that children see it’s ok to be sad x
Oh my goodness, such an honest and heart-wrenching post. I cannot even imagine what you are going through but am sending you lots of love xxx
Thank you so much 💕
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you had such a wonderful relationship with your mum and I think she’ll continue to be a strong voice in your life even if she isn’t physically with you
Oh she really does. Thank you so much x
Aww so sorry for your loss. You still have to allow yourself time to grieve and there isn’t a time limit on that. Asking for help is that next way to move forward. Admit that you have those bad days because everybody does. Take care. Sophie
I can’t even imagine what you had to go through. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
Antonia || Sweet Passions
Reading this has made me feel really emotional. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your mum would be so so proud of you. By writing a piece like this, you’re going to help so many people in the same situation!!
Rosie
I’m so sorry to hear about your mum. Thank you for sharing this post, I think it’s going to help lots of people who are going through the same thing xx
I lost my mom 8 years ago. That first year, I would cry on the kitchen floor in the middle of the night because I was trying so hard to keep it together for the kids. It was a challenging year. I still miss her like crazy, but the grieving has become more comfortable. I still have moments that catch me off guard where I find myself thinking of her and crying. The grieving process is so complicated.
This post must have been difficult to write. I lost my dad nearly 5 years ago and I still have days when I find things hard. Thank you for sharing this.
This is tough, but so are you. I’m so sory for your loss. Really, the first step in this process is to “allow” yourself to grieve. Thank you so much for sharing this. Stay strong. You are amazing! 🤗
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing someone is one of the hardest thing, but thank you for sharing your experience and helping other people who are going through the same. x
This will be such a helpful post to so many people who are going through the grieving process whilst parenting Claire x
Lucy | http://www.lucymary.co.uk